Bad Boys

Leather jacket.
White t-shirt.
Pompadour haircut.
Well fit jeans.
Converse.

You know the type. The kind of guy that would sneak out of 6th period in high school to smoke a Marlboro Red underneath the bleachers.

I’ve had a weakness for bad boys since high school. In high school, I dated a really nice guy. He was kind, funny, adored me, and my parents absolutely loved him. All he wanted to do was love me and kiss the ground I walked on from the day I met him. So obviously I did what any sane, rational, intelligent, normal, regular girl would do and I abandoned him for the bad boy in school. That’s right. I traded in the guy who adored me for the naughty musician.

Storytime!

I’ve never wrote about my very first heartbreak.

I was raised in a religion where I was not allowed to date until I was sixteen years old. Obviously I broke those rules and dated the nice guy before I was sixteen, but my parents really liked him because he was such a nice and genuine person, so they semi-allowed it. They let him take me to prom even though I was technically not old enough to date yet. Not too long after his prom that he took me to, I was introduced by a mutual friend to a guy named Ricky, one of our school’s infamous bad boys. He was rugged, a musician in a local band, and NOTHING that my parents wanted me to date… so obviously, I did any sane, rational, intelligent, normal, regular girl would do and I dated him. I know I’m super sassy now, but I didn’t always used to be this aggressive. I actually used to be fairly reserved and quite. I was a theater nerd in high school which by the way, I am very proud of. I had the most amazing time in high school and I met so many incredible people and I am still friends with many of them today thanks to the internet and social media. However, I was never “popular” in high school. The fact that a popular bad boy would show interest in this quiet, reserved, short haired, blonde bobble head, was very flattering and definitely something that I wasn’t used to. Ricky was so unapologetically himself that I couldn’t help but be enamered by him. He said all of the right things to me, he acted like he adored me, and he was so different from anything I knew. The fact that he spoke Spanish fluently didn’t hurt either. 😉

I was hooked almost immediately.

We dated for several years. We went to all the school dances together. I adored (actually, I still adore) his mother who was incredible. She nicknamed me “Ojo” which means “eyes” in Spanish because she always said I had beautiful eyes. He was there for me as I constantly rebelled against my family who were never fans of him… but I was a fan of him and at that point in my life, he was all I needed to be happy. Things were never perfect, but I believed in us and I fought for us for years. I didn’t care what anyone said. I didn’t care what anyone thought. I loved him and that was the first time I had ever truly loved someone so it didn’t matter what I had to do in order for us to be together. I was going to be with him and fight for us as long as necessary…

…until one day when a rumor got back to me that one of my fellow theater friends had hooked up with Ricky. At first, I didn’t believe it. It couldn’t be true… right? He would never do that to me… right? I tried to push the rumor to the back of my mind, but I couldn’t seem to dismiss it because a small part of me knew that it could possibly be true. Even at the ripe age of  17 years old, my investigation skills were good enough to make any FBI agent envious. After a serious investigation, dozens of witnesses, and a shit ton of proof that couldn’t be denied, my theater friend ended up telling me the truth and admitting that she and Ricky did hook up. Shortly after her guilty plea, I asked Ricky if he had hooked up with my theater friend. Of course he denied it… but it was too late. I already knew the truth. For the first time in a few years, I stood my ground with Ricky and I didn’t back down. I told him I knew the truth and I wanted him to come clean with me. I deserved that. Eventually, he told me the truth.

Within moments, my tiny, naive, 17 year old world was turned upside down. The truth that I already knew had been confirmed by both parties.  That was the first real, raw, painful moment that I ever remember having. I think what made this heartbreak so painful was that 1) I was so naive that I never saw it coming and 2) I was so great to him in our relationship that I couldn’t comprehend how this could happen. I was so young and naive that I didn’t even know how to be bad. My love for him was so pure. In relationships since then, of course I have made mistakes and done things I wish I hadn’t done… but back then, at 17 years old, I didn’t know how to be bad, crazy, or cause any  trouble. The fact that I had been nothing but 100% myself with Ricky and that still wasn’t enough for him to stay faithful was a hard pill for me to swallow. I remember being so physically sick after I learned the truth that I threw up. It’s crazy how the mind and emotions work. Even well over a decade later, I am tearing up writing about this because I can still feel the pain that I felt at that moment, on that day. I even remember exactly where I was and what I was wearing when Ricky told me the truth.

I didn’t know what to do. How do you cope with your first heartbreak when you are so young and vulnerable and you have absolutely no life experience to go off of? The person that I had loved and adored for years had cheated on me with someone that I knew very well. I couldn’t go to my parents because they never liked him from the start and I wasn’t in the mood to hear “I told you so” and all of my friends were all mutual friends with either Ricky or the girl he had cheated on me with so how much sympathy were they really willing to give me? I was lost. So, I cut off all communication with everyone because that was the only way I could manage to deal with things.

Okay. Hold on.

Does any of this sound familiar from any of my previous blog posts? As I am writing this entry, I am realizing that my patterns in relationships as well as the way I deal with heartbreak is still the same, even well over a decade later. What a sad, but useful revelation.

Anyway…

After seeing and feeling my complete and utter devastation, Ricky felt bad. He really did. Even though he had cheated on me, he was ridiculously persistent in attempting to apologize to me in a desperate attempt to make things right. I ignored him. I didn’t know what to do or say. I was so young and dumb. I loved him so much and had given him so many years of my life… how could he do that to me? Let alone with someone that we both knew. The more I thought about it, the more I realized that she could not be the only person that he cheated on me with over all of those years that we spent dating each other. There was so much bad behavior that I had continuously overlooked and ignored over the years because at the end of the day… love is blind. I realized that I had to stop being naive. Looking back, the behavior that Poodle engulfed over our last two rendezvous together were very, very similar to how Ricky acted… however Poodle and I weren’t ever technically together, so if he were entertaining someone else it wasn’t cheating… right? I know that appearance wise I look unintelligent, but rest assured, I am very far from from that. What a fool I have been for so many years in so many different ways.

I finally responded to Ricky and told him I needed to know if he had cheated on me before with anyone else over the years that we had been together. I also told him that I wanted to know if I knew any of the other girls. I needed the truth. He responded and told me that the only way he would tell me the truth was if I agreed to see him since I had been avoiding him.

The last thing my naive and innocent heart wanted to do was look into the eyes of the first person in my life that I actually loved and face the fact that they deceived me and broke my heart, but for my piece of mind, I needed answers so I agreed to see him. We set up a time to meet at his house the next evening.

I remember parking my car in front of his house and taking several deep breaths preparing myself for the one or two other names that I was going to learn he had cheated on me with besides my theater friend. I knocked on his door, he opened it, and he handed me piece of paper. I opened up the piece of paper and my heart sank.

He had handed me a list.

Thats right. A list.

It was a Iist of the first names of every single girl that he had cheated on me with over the several years that we spent together. There were 24 names on that list. I’ll never forget that. I thought I was prepared for what I was going to experience that evening, but I was nowhere near prepared for that.

The worst part was that after Ricky handed me the list, he looked at me, said “I’m so sorry” and then closed the door. No hug. There was no empathy for the heartache that he had just thrown at me. I didn’t know what to do. I didn’t even know how to begin to process the information that was just tossed to me. I stood in his doorway for a minute praying for him to open the door and tell me he was joking, but that never happened. It was true. I ran to my car, hopped in, and drove one street over so that I could cry in peace. I wasn’t capable of driving home at that point. I cried in front of a strangers house for at least two hours. The heartbreak that I felt that night was something so deep and so incredibly painful that it has taken me over a decade to sit down, type it out, and relive it.

I was angry with Ricky for years. I was angry at him for what he did to me and I was angry for what a fool he had made of me for so long. Come to find out, almost everyone knew Ricky was cheating on me for all of those years… well, everyone except me, of course.

Fortunately for me, time really does heal all wounds. I’ve grown up. Ricky has grown up. Although I never recieved the apology that I so desperately wanted from Ricky back then, he has apologized to me many times since then and I have more than forgiven him. This goes back to my Unanswered Prayers post. I remember praying day in and day out that Ricky and I would end up together. I remember the excruciating pain I felt when he handed me that list. However, today I am so beyond grateful that he and I didn’t work out no matter how hard I prayed back then that we would. We are two different people and our dreams, aspirations, and goals are still very different. It would have never worked out long term anyway.

Ricky was your typical bad boy, however, I am here to tell you that there isn’t a difference between bad boys and boys who are bad for you. Sometimes boys who are bad for you don’t have the typical bad boy appeal. Sometimes they wear button up shirts everyday, they’re college educated, they own their own cars and homes, and they look picture perfect on paper. Just because they don’t look like your typical “bad boy” doesn’t mean that they aren’t bad for you. Neither bad boys or boys who are bad for you are bad people (well, I mean, I suppose sometimes they are) but that is why it is imperative that you are self aware enough to know what’s good for you and what’s not good for you.

There’s always going to be a soft spot for your exes whether they’re bad boys or boys who are bad for you. It may take a while for you to get to a place where you are at peace with whatever happened in your past relationships, but that time will always come… I promise. No matter how bad someone wronged you, or no matter how badly you were hurt, there does come a time that it simply doesn’t hurt you anymore. It usually starts with you realizing that you don’t want to feel that pain any longer, so you are forced to change your patterns in order to move on. As the years go on, you eventually realize that you can no longer endure the pain that those bad boys or boys who are bad for you bring into your life and you make the conscious decision to move on from that stage in your life. The pain decreases every single day, but sometimes it takes years to make peace with your past. However, with every heartbreak that I have endured, something better has always come along, even if it was only temporary happiness. With that in mind, I can only hope to believe that whatever happiness is in store for me in the future is going to be far more amazing  than anything that I could have ever imagined and I. Can’t. Wait.

xoxox,
Ally

PS If you click the “Follow” button on my home page, it will prompt you for your email address. By submitting it, you will receive an email each time I post a blog entry. Your email address will never be sold to a third party and the only emails you will ever receive from me are updates each time I post a blog entry. 😉

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Ask Ally (Q and A Week 14)

Once again, you guys asked me questions that I am probably not qualified to answer, but as always, I am going to go ahead and answer them anyway.

Q: Do you still talk to Cowboy Casanova?

A: Absolutely not. The last time I heard from him was in April or May. He was drunk texting me around 8:00pm because he was coming into town the next day and I knew I had no desire to see him ever again so I blocked his number. I haven’t heard from him since.

I’ve wasted enough years of my life chasing men who only want me when they don’t have me and then once they have me, they no longer want me. I’ve grown out of that phase. Thank goodness.

Q: How do you write your wordy posts so quickly?

A: I don’t. lol

I don’t think the way that I write is normal… if there really even is a “normal” way to write. I actually write most of my posts by hand first which is probably unheard of in this day and age. After I hand write them, I write my blog posts in the “Notes” section of my iPhone which I also don’t think most professional writers do. I write them in my notes section so that I can switch back and forth between my laptop and my iPhone at any given time. I never know when a thought, idea, quote, or feeling is going to pop into a mind and have an impact on me. I don’t always have my laptop handy, but I always have my iphone with me, so writing my posts in my notes allows me to bounce back and forth easily… all compliments of the “cloud.” I usually have between one and two dozen partial posts going at a time that I go back and forth between. Sometimes I feel so strongly about something that I can write an entire post in one sitting, but most times, even if I sit down and write a post in one sitting, it’s something I’ve been thinking about and writing in my head for weeks. Sometimes I simply write down a quote or idea that sparked something inside me that I want to write about and I go back to it later after I’ve thought about it for a while and write a post. I also have a list of bomb ass blog titles that I have no idea what I’m going to write to go with them, but I’ll figure it out someday.

Could my posts be better? Of course. I could switch my major to Journalism so that I have better grammar, manners, and I could certainly curse less, but what fun would that be? I feel like my blog is a guilty pleasure. People reading my blog is just like my unhealthy addiction to binge watch every reality series on Bravo. Do I really care about rich women in a another city getting day drunk and fighting with each other over nothing? Nah. It’s irrelevant in my life. However, it’s fun to watch the train wreck unravel. No one wants to admit they read my blog, but my numbers prove that ya’ll are still reading so I’m going to keep writing. 😉

Q: Do you have any other advice to give us men to know if a girl is into us or not?

A: Look… I’m still single, so I really don’t know if I’m the best person to give advice on this topic. The one thing I can say is that there probably isn’t much of a difference between when a man is interested in a woman and a woman is interested in a man so think about the lengths you are willing to go to if you are interested in a woman.

If a woman is interested in you, she’ll text you. It doesn’t matter if you’ve text her or not. She’ll text you first, and she will repeat text you if necessary if she is into you. Also, I don’t care how busy she is, she’ll make time to see you. She’ll surrender plans, move things around, stay up late and miss out on sleep to see you. If you for one second have to question if she is in to you, I’m gonna be completely honest and let you know that she probably isn’t into you. If a girl is interested in you, she will let you know without any questions or reservations. No matter how attractive she is, busy she is, or desired she is, if you are a guy she wants to get to know, she will make that blatantly clear with her actions. If you are making excuses for any aspect of her behavior in the beginning stages of your developing relationship, I’m here to tell you that you’re probably just lying to yourself and she’s just not that into you. If she is into you, you’ll know. End of story.

Q: Do you really think you are insane or crazy? You mention it a lot.

A: No. I don’t think that I am really insane or crazy. That’s why I can joke about it.

Do we as women do crazy things when we are head over heels in love with someone? Yep. I can think of at least a dozen things I would never do when I am in my right frame of mind, but I might do them when I’m drunk and my drunk alter ego, Snooks, takes over. For the most part, girls aren’t crazy. Men just make us go temporarily crazy by their actions.

However, I do feel the need to point out that sometimes men’s actions are just reactions to us girls being crazy… so good luck figuring that one out.

Q: Why do you think “Foot Fetish Ally Stagg” is your number one blog post?

A: I don’t think that post has any relevance. As we all know, I wrote that post as a joke. I just think something in the mysterious world of Google algorithms somehow directs people to that particular blog post that I wrote when someone, somewhere in the world Googles “Foot fetish blogs.” lol

However, I didn’t know that Foot Fetishes were such a huge epidemic. If I would have known how popular my feet would be, I would have most certainly started a foot fetish blog as opposed to overwhelming you all with my bad dating decisions and heartbreak because that is not NEARLY as popular as my feet have been.

Q: After reading your most recent post, Modern Romance: Chapter 4 (Part One), it makes me think that you’re still single because you’re a commitment phobe who won’t settle down because you are always going to be looking for the next best thing.

A: *sigh*

Reading over my last post, I can see how you would think that. I mean, I take an hour to choose which head of lettuce I’m going to buy at the grocery store. I also had to make popsicle sticks to choose where Poodle and I were going to eat because neither of us could decide. I also take weeks to decide which series I’m going to binge next on my Apple TV because that is a huge commitment to me… but rest assured, I am very far from being a commitment phobe. I promise you.

I have zero problem with commitment. At this point in my life, before I commit to anyone, it is imperative that I make sure that this could potentially be “the real deal.” That doesn’t mean that I am going to “wife up” instantly. It just means that I’m a 30 something year old single mother with two children and a nosy ass family who will also be invested in our relationship. If I can’t picture a potential future with you, I’m not going to waste your time or mine.

Let me tell you something, I am on this planet to make ME happy.

I can honestly say that no matter what Poodle and I went through over our 4 1/2-ish years of back and forth, no matter what a single person in this entire universe thought about us and our relationship, I DIDN’T CARE. When he and I were together, I was happy and I didn’t care how much that pissed anyone else off. If he would have turned to me at almost any point in those 4 1/2 years and said “Screw it. Let’s be together.” I would have happily obliged. Would it have been a mistake? Maybe. But at that time, it didn’t matter to me because he made me happier than I ever could have imagined. More importantly, I could foresee a future with him for potentially forever. Other people might not have seen it, but I did. I had the upmost faith that he and I could battle through whatever came our way and that was all I needed to know to guarantee our forever happiness. If we were both honestly all in, forever, even after all the trials we had faced, I had no doubt that we could have lasted forever. So, no. I’m not scared of commitment, no matter how hard things might be. No one else can tell you what your happiness looks like. Only you can control that.

However, if you see a forever with someone and they clearly do not see a forever with you, all I can say is… move right along. There is absolutely no point in wasting one more second of your time on someone that you would do anything for if the feelings are not reciprocated.

My point being, no. I am not scared of commitment and if someone is standing in front of me that I feel could potentially be perfect for me, I will never dismiss them or keep them on the back burner simply because I am looking for something better. I am fairly certain at this point in my life what happiness looks like for me. My only hesitations with jumping into a relationship with someone would be because before I bring them into my awesomely crazy world, I want to make sure that I see a potential future with them. That’s all. If I ever have any hesitation with commitment, it’s not because I’m afraid that something better might be out there or that I have 500 other guys I am entertaining on the side. It’s strictly because I want to make sure that we could potentially be a long term, if not forever thing. I don’t introduce just anyone to my kids or my family and neither should you.

However, I do feel that there are people out there who dismiss someone that could be a “good match” for them simply because they will never be satisfied and they will always be looking for “the next best thing.” That was my intent behind my most recent post.

xoxox,
Ally

PS If you click the “Follow” button on my home page, it will prompt you for your email address. By submitting it, you will receive an email each time I post a blog entry. Your email address will never be sold to a third party and the only emails you will ever receive from me are updates each time I post a blog entry. 😉

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