Well fit jeans.
You know the type. The kind of guy that would sneak out of 6th period in high school to smoke a Marlboro Red underneath the bleachers.
I’ve had a weakness for bad boys since high school. In high school, I dated a really nice guy. He was kind, funny, adored me, and my parents absolutely loved him. All he wanted to do was love me and kiss the ground I walked on from the day I met him. So obviously I did what any sane, rational, intelligent, normal, regular girl would do and I abandoned him for the bad boy in school. That’s right. I traded in the guy who adored me for the naughty musician.
I’ve never wrote about my very first heartbreak.
I was raised in a religion where I was not allowed to date until I was sixteen years old. Obviously I broke those rules and dated the nice guy before I was sixteen, but my parents really liked him because he was such a nice and genuine person, so they semi-allowed it. They let him take me to prom even though I was technically not old enough to date yet. Not too long after his prom that he took me to, I was introduced by a mutual friend to a guy named Ricky, one of our school’s infamous bad boys. He was rugged, a musician in a local band, and NOTHING that my parents wanted me to date… so obviously, I did any sane, rational, intelligent, normal, regular girl would do and I dated him. I know I’m super sassy now, but I didn’t always used to be this aggressive. I actually used to be fairly reserved and quite. I was a theater nerd in high school which by the way, I am very proud of. I had the most amazing time in high school and I met so many incredible people and I am still friends with many of them today thanks to the internet and social media. However, I was never “popular” in high school. The fact that a popular bad boy would show interest in this quiet, reserved, short haired, blonde bobble head, was very flattering and definitely something that I wasn’t used to. Ricky was so unapologetically himself that I couldn’t help but be enamered by him. He said all of the right things to me, he acted like he adored me, and he was so different from anything I knew. The fact that he spoke Spanish fluently didn’t hurt either. 😉
I was hooked almost immediately.
We dated for several years. We went to all the school dances together. I adored (actually, I still adore) his mother who was incredible. She nicknamed me “Ojo” which means “eyes” in Spanish because she always said I had beautiful eyes. He was there for me as I constantly rebelled against my family who were never fans of him… but I was a fan of him and at that point in my life, he was all I needed to be happy. Things were never perfect, but I believed in us and I fought for us for years. I didn’t care what anyone said. I didn’t care what anyone thought. I loved him and that was the first time I had ever truly loved someone so it didn’t matter what I had to do in order for us to be together. I was going to be with him and fight for us as long as necessary…
…until one day when a rumor got back to me that one of my fellow theater friends had hooked up with Ricky. At first, I didn’t believe it. It couldn’t be true… right? He would never do that to me… right? I tried to push the rumor to the back of my mind, but I couldn’t seem to dismiss it because a small part of me knew that it could possibly be true. Even at the ripe age of 17 years old, my investigation skills were good enough to make any FBI agent envious. After a serious investigation, dozens of witnesses, and a shit ton of proof that couldn’t be denied, my theater friend ended up telling me the truth and admitting that she and Ricky did hook up. Shortly after her guilty plea, I asked Ricky if he had hooked up with my theater friend. Of course he denied it… but it was too late. I already knew the truth. For the first time in a few years, I stood my ground with Ricky and I didn’t back down. I told him I knew the truth and I wanted him to come clean with me. I deserved that. Eventually, he told me the truth.
Within moments, my tiny, naive, 17 year old world was turned upside down. The truth that I already knew had been confirmed by both parties. That was the first real, raw, painful moment that I ever remember having. I think what made this heartbreak so painful was that 1) I was so naive that I never saw it coming and 2) I was so great to him in our relationship that I couldn’t comprehend how this could happen. I was so young and naive that I didn’t even know how to be bad. My love for him was so pure. In relationships since then, of course I have made mistakes and done things I wish I hadn’t done… but back then, at 17 years old, I didn’t know how to be bad, crazy, or cause any trouble. The fact that I had been nothing but 100% myself with Ricky and that still wasn’t enough for him to stay faithful was a hard pill for me to swallow. I remember being so physically sick after I learned the truth that I threw up. It’s crazy how the mind and emotions work. Even well over a decade later, I am tearing up writing about this because I can still feel the pain that I felt at that moment, on that day. I even remember exactly where I was and what I was wearing when Ricky told me the truth.
I didn’t know what to do. How do you cope with your first heartbreak when you are so young and vulnerable and you have absolutely no life experience to go off of? The person that I had loved and adored for years had cheated on me with someone that I knew very well. I couldn’t go to my parents because they never liked him from the start and I wasn’t in the mood to hear “I told you so” and all of my friends were all mutual friends with either Ricky or the girl he had cheated on me with so how much sympathy were they really willing to give me? I was lost. So, I cut off all communication with everyone because that was the only way I could manage to deal with things.
Okay. Hold on.
Does any of this sound familiar from any of my previous blog posts? As I am writing this entry, I am realizing that my patterns in relationships as well as the way I deal with heartbreak is still the same, even well over a decade later. What a sad, but useful revelation.
After seeing and feeling my complete and utter devastation, Ricky felt bad. He really did. Even though he had cheated on me, he was ridiculously persistent in attempting to apologize to me in a desperate attempt to make things right. I ignored him. I didn’t know what to do or say. I was so young and dumb. I loved him so much and had given him so many years of my life… how could he do that to me? Let alone with someone that we both knew. The more I thought about it, the more I realized that she could not be the only person that he cheated on me with over all of those years that we spent dating each other. There was so much bad behavior that I had continuously overlooked and ignored over the years because at the end of the day… love is blind. I realized that I had to stop being naive. Looking back, the behavior that Poodle engulfed over our last two rendezvous together were very, very similar to how Ricky acted… however Poodle and I weren’t ever technically together, so if he were entertaining someone else it wasn’t cheating… right? I know that appearance wise I look unintelligent, but rest assured, I am very far from from that. What a fool I have been for so many years in so many different ways.
I finally responded to Ricky and told him I needed to know if he had cheated on me before with anyone else over the years that we had been together. I also told him that I wanted to know if I knew any of the other girls. I needed the truth. He responded and told me that the only way he would tell me the truth was if I agreed to see him since I had been avoiding him.
The last thing my naive and innocent heart wanted to do was look into the eyes of the first person in my life that I actually loved and face the fact that they deceived me and broke my heart, but for my piece of mind, I needed answers so I agreed to see him. We set up a time to meet at his house the next evening.
I remember parking my car in front of his house and taking several deep breaths preparing myself for the one or two other names that I was going to learn he had cheated on me with besides my theater friend. I knocked on his door, he opened it, and he handed me piece of paper. I opened up the piece of paper and my heart sank.
He had handed me a list.
Thats right. A list.
It was a Iist of the first names of every single girl that he had cheated on me with over the several years that we spent together. There were 24 names on that list. I’ll never forget that. I thought I was prepared for what I was going to experience that evening, but I was nowhere near prepared for that.
The worst part was that after Ricky handed me the list, he looked at me, said “I’m so sorry” and then closed the door. No hug. There was no empathy for the heartache that he had just thrown at me. I didn’t know what to do. I didn’t even know how to begin to process the information that was just tossed to me. I stood in his doorway for a minute praying for him to open the door and tell me he was joking, but that never happened. It was true. I ran to my car, hopped in, and drove one street over so that I could cry in peace. I wasn’t capable of driving home at that point. I cried in front of a strangers house for at least two hours. The heartbreak that I felt that night was something so deep and so incredibly painful that it has taken me over a decade to sit down, type it out, and relive it.
I was angry with Ricky for years. I was angry at him for what he did to me and I was angry for what a fool he had made of me for so long. Come to find out, almost everyone knew Ricky was cheating on me for all of those years… well, everyone except me, of course.
Fortunately for me, time really does heal all wounds. I’ve grown up. Ricky has grown up. Although I never recieved the apology that I so desperately wanted from Ricky back then, he has apologized to me many times since then and I have more than forgiven him. This goes back to my Unanswered Prayers post. I remember praying day in and day out that Ricky and I would end up together. I remember the excruciating pain I felt when he handed me that list. However, today I am so beyond grateful that he and I didn’t work out no matter how hard I prayed back then that we would. We are two different people and our dreams, aspirations, and goals are still very different. It would have never worked out long term anyway.
Ricky was your typical bad boy, however, I am here to tell you that there isn’t a difference between bad boys and boys who are bad for you. Sometimes boys who are bad for you don’t have the typical bad boy appeal. Sometimes they wear button up shirts everyday, they’re college educated, they own their own cars and homes, and they look picture perfect on paper. Just because they don’t look like your typical “bad boy” doesn’t mean that they aren’t bad for you. Neither bad boys or boys who are bad for you are bad people (well, I mean, I suppose sometimes they are) but that is why it is imperative that you are self aware enough to know what’s good for you and what’s not good for you.
There’s always going to be a soft spot for your exes whether they’re bad boys or boys who are bad for you. It may take a while for you to get to a place where you are at peace with whatever happened in your past relationships, but that time will always come… I promise. No matter how bad someone wronged you, or no matter how badly you were hurt, there does come a time that it simply doesn’t hurt you anymore. It usually starts with you realizing that you don’t want to feel that pain any longer, so you are forced to change your patterns in order to move on. As the years go on, you eventually realize that you can no longer endure the pain that those bad boys or boys who are bad for you bring into your life and you make the conscious decision to move on from that stage in your life. The pain decreases every single day, but sometimes it takes years to make peace with your past. However, with every heartbreak that I have endured, something better has always come along, even if it was only temporary happiness. With that in mind, I can only hope to believe that whatever happiness is in store for me in the future is going to be far more amazing than anything that I could have ever imagined and I. Can’t. Wait.
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