I’ve been contemplating writing this post because I never want to embarrass anyone (except myself, of course) and I certainly don’t want this post to be taken the wrong way. However, I call out men all of the time for their bad manners and atrocious behavior, so in all fairness, when a woman makes poor decisions, I feel as though they need to be called out as well.
Recently, in a round about way, I kind of hooked up a friend of mine named Nick with an old acquaintance of mine named Dallas. I haven’t seen Dallas in almost 20 years, but from what I could grasp from her social media, she seemed like a good fit for Nick. She was cute, they had a lot of the same interests and hobbies, they’re both in their 30’s, and they’re both single. After Nick and Dallas had been texting back and forth for a while, Dallas wrote me an email and said Nick was awesome, thanked me for connecting them, and told me that they were planning to meet that weekend. I patted myself on the back for sort of bringing these two people together. My only request to Nick was that if things worked out between the two of them, I wanted to be a grooms(wo)man in their wedding someday.
That week, I had an insanely busy week and could barely find time to breathe so I forgot about Nick and Dallas’ date. Late Sunday evening I finally had a moment to check my email and social media that I had neglected for almost an entire week. I noticed I had an email from Dallas which made me realize that I had never text Nick to ask how their date went. I knew Nick a little better, so I felt as though I should shoot him a courtesy text before I replied to Dallas. I immediately text Nick and asked how his date went. Nick informed me that not only had him and Dallas gone on one date that weekend, they went on two dates.
I threw my phone down onto my bed, jumped up, and I did a few cartwheels across my room because I was so happy that my instincs were right and that Nick and Dallas had fun together. More importantly, this meant that I was potentially going to be in a wedding party and I LOVE being in wedding parties because I get to go to the bachelor/bachelorette parties.
Side note: If any of you are short on bridesmaids or groomsmen, I’m here for you 100%. Just let me know.
After I did a few cartwheels, I hopped onto my bed and picked my phone back up. I had a couple text messages from Nick. I opened them up the text message said “…but I feel like Dallas might be a little bit more invested than I am comfortable with at this point in time” and he included a screenshot of their texting conversation that was happening simultaneously to my cartwheels. My heart sank. Maybe I wasn’t the matchmaker that I so badly wanted to think that I was and maybe I wasn’t going to be a grooms(wo)man in their wedding after all. Her texts did seem a tiny bit needy, but I was giving her the benefit of the doubt in hopes that maybe she was just a little bit more emotional than Nick. Suddenly, I remembered that Dallas had emailed me, but I hadn’t opened it because I wanted to ask Nick how the date went first. I quickly went over to check the email that Dallas had wrote me.
In so many words, Dallas said that Nick was amazing and asked what was wrong with him and why he and I weren’t dating.
Sidenote: Nick and I have gone on a few dates, but it never turned into anything more than that. We get along great and we have so much fun together so we’ve remained friends. Also, I have more baggage than Kim Kardashian has on a trip to Venice so sometimes that’s kind of a road block in my dating life. Nick and I will probably end up getting married someday, but for now, we both need to sow our wild oats.
I immediately wrote Dallas back and told her that there was absolutely nothing wrong with Nick and that for one reason or another, things just never worked out between us. I told her that he’s an awesome person and that’s why we’ve remained friends. I went back into my text messages and continued chatting with Nick. I told him that some girls chase men harder than others and both tactics have their downfalls so he shouldn’t write her off for coming off a little needy. He agreed.
Well, that is where things started to go downhill.
In real time, Nick started sending me screenshots from the conversation that he was having with Dallas and asking me for advice as to what he should do. I know that I’m the faux writer here, but I’m not even going to try to paraphrase her text messages. You should all read them word for word.
(PS The blue is Nick, the grey is Dallas, and the red is me editing out naughty words and people’s names. Read on.)
*takes a deep breath*
I want to start off by stating that I am in no way, shape, or form shaming Dallas for completely losing her mind.
You know why I’m not shaming her? Because I’ve been in her shoes before. I have completely lost my mind on a man before too. In fact, I’m sure that every woman has lost her mind on a man at least once in her lifetime.
A few years ago, I had just gotten out of a horribly tumultuous relationship where we would yell, scream, fight, breakup, and then get back together the next day. We would do this over. And over. And over until finally one day we both couldn’t take it anymore and we ended our relationship for good. Shortly after my breakup, I started seeing someone new. Needless to say, I had some TERRIBLE habits from my previous relationship that I brought into my new relationship because that was the only behavior I knew. Fighting and breaking up and then making up and getting back together was comfortable for me. At that point, I didn’t even know how to be in a healthy relationship. After this guy and I had been seeing each other for a few months, I reverted back to my old ways and I broke up with him over my own personal issues. However, this time, things didn’t go how they had gone in my previous relationship. When I tried to apologize and get back together with him, he said no. I was so confused. Didn’t he get the memo? We fight, we break up, then we get back together. That’s how it was supposed to go… right?
No. That is not how any relationship should go. Ever. It took me a long time to figure that out.
At the time, I saw a future with this man. I begged and I begged and I begged for him to take me back but he stood his ground. He made it crystal clear that there was no way that he was going to tolerate my immature behavior. Although things didn’t work out between him and I, I am forever grateful for some of the lessons he taught me. As adults, we control our own words and actions. However, we cannot control how someone else reacts or responds to our words and actions and although we choose our own words and actions, we do not get to choose our consequences. There are always consequences for our words and actions and that is why it is imperative that we choose them both very wisely. Breaking my bad relationship habits is something I’m still working on to this day and I will continue to work on it for the rest of my life, but I have come SO far from the disaster that I used to be. Me spending hundreds, maybe even thousands, of hours crying on my therapist’s floor has taught me so much about myself. It’s not easy nor is it fun admitting our flaws and facing them, but it’s something we all have to do. At the end of the day, we’re all human and we all make mistakes so this is something everyone can relate to.
I promise there was a point to me telling that story.
During the time that I was begging for this man back, my friend took me out one night. I was absolutely devastated that I might have ruined this relationship forever before we even had a chance. That night, after I did about 6,000 shots of tequila, I ended up outside of the bar that we were at drunk dialing this poor guy 18 times and psycho texting him. He didn’t respond to any of my texts or my phone calls that evening. I wonder why. *smirk*
Looking back, that was such an ugly look on me. In fact, it’s not a cute look on anyone.
LADIES! LISTEN UP! You cannot get drunk, psycho text, and relentlessly call a guy (especially if you have only known him for six days like Nick and Dallas) and expect him to want to date you. I cannot express to you women enough how important it is that we all stop doing this. Maybe we could get away with the drunk dialing and text messages in our 20’s, but most of us are no longer in our 20’s. (thank goodness lol) You cannot act like a complete psychopath and then have the audacity to write me an email for my weekly “Ask Ally” post and ask me why you’re single. GIRL, YOU’RE NUTS! That’s why you’re single! I’m allowed to call you girls out because I am just as guilty as you are. I’ve been in your shoes before. Please, learn from my mistakes and take my advice. I’m saying this with all of the love and respect in the world. I’m trying to help you ladies out. I promise.
Dallas responded to my email and basically said that Nick was a douchebag, that he led her on, and that all guys are the same. She did not know that I was texting Nick and that Nick was sending me screenshots of their conversation. She was literally losing her mind on Nick and then messaging me like she was the victim. At this point, I couldn’t let her bad behavior go on any longer. I had to call her out. I wrote Dallas back and told her that I had seen a few parts of her and Nick’s conversation that evening and that how she was acting is not okay and that she is the problem here, not Nick. I told her that she was completely out of line and she is ruining anything that could have potentially happened between her and Nick with her behavior. Up until that night, Nick had actually really liked her. He liked her enough to hang out with her two nights in a row and he even offered to accompany her to her Doctor’s appointment before they had even met. Once she knew that I knew that she was flooding Nick with phone calls and text messages that included her saying snobby and passive aggressive comments to him, she backed down and said that she understood where I was coming from. She told me about a couple of terrible things that had happened to her in the past and she proceeded to blame her behavior on those incidents. I understood where she was coming from because I used to do the exact same thing. I also used to blame my bad behavior on anyone or anything except myself. HOWEVER that does not make it healthy or right. Sorry, hun. Not on my watch. I told her that we’ve all had terrible things happen to us in our past but we cannot let that dictate anything in our future relationships, especially how we act towards our potential partner, or we are going to sabotage any potential relationship before it has the chance to start. I told her that she needed to take accountability for her actions and the best thing that she can do for herself is to go to therapy. Dallas agreed. She thanked me for my advice and apologized for being hostile towards me. I gave her the name of a therapist and we said goodnight.
I felt like I got through to her. I felt good. I really thought she knew that all of my advice (although it might have hurt for her to hear) was coming from a good place. She had obviously destroyed her fling with Nick because there’s just no coming back from that behavior… ESPECIALLY after only knowing each other for six days. I was hoping she would understand that her behavior was not okay so that if a similar situation ever surfaced in the future, she would put her phone down and go to bed so she would never make the same mistake again.
I was wrong.
The next morning I woke up to a screenshot from Nick with missed FaceTime Audio calls from Dallas which she made at 3:00 am which was several hours after her and I concluded our chat. You can lead a horse to water but you can’t make them drink, I guess.
The entire next day, I was secretly rooting for Dallas to tuck her tail between her legs, own up to what a mess she was the night before, and shoot Nick an apology text. I don’t think it would have changed his mind about her, but at least she would have been taking accountability for the tongue lashing she gave him the night before that he truly didn’t deserve.
Again, I was wrong.
Instead, the next day, I received a tongue lashing from her.
That’s right. You read that correctly. Instead of her just saying “That wasn’t me, that was Patricia” (If you haven’t seen the movie Split, you won’t understand that reference) she tried to manipulate and guilt me into agreeing with her actions the previous evening. She told me it “wasn’t cool” that I told her she was out of line the previous evening without hearing both sides of the story. She told me I was obviously never going to back down from defending Nick and I was always going to “take his side” so her talking to me was pointless.
You guys, I was speechless (and that is a rare occurrence for me)
I’m sorry, but it wasn’t necessary for me to “hear both sides.” I read the conversation (and now you all have too) and her behavior was inexcusable. End of story. If Nick were acting foolish or treating her poorly, I would have called him out in 2.5 seconds, but that wasn’t the case. I can’t believe the next day after she sobered up she was still trying to justify her text messages and then shame me by turning this into a juvenile argument where I should choose sides just like I would have done in kindergarten on the playground. The fact that she did not take accountability for how ridiculous she acted the night before and she thought her behavior was completely normal blew me away. She felt completely justified in her actions and behavior and that is what worried me the most. I guess you can’t save them all. I tried though!
I mean, if you’re going to get drunk and completely lose your mind on someone, you should at least follow up the conversation the next day by sending them this meme: