Have you ever been doing something (anything at all) paused, looked around and thought “What decisions have I made in my life that have brought me to this exact moment right here?”
That happens to me on a daily basis but recently I had one of those moments hit me pretty hard.
Several weeks ago I was reading through HUNDREDS of dating profiles on several different websites, scrolling through random internet solicitations on multiple free bulletins, and reading dozens of emails sent to me by my readers. After gathering the information, taking it all in, and collecting my thoughts, I couldn’t help but become overwhelmed with wonder on how the world of dating has evolved into what it is today. I felt like so many of the people on these online dating sites and online message boards are lost and confused. It seemed as if many of these people most likely don’t have anyone to talk to about things that are going on in their lives.
After thinking about all of the information I volunterely sought after, I felt unsettled. I couldn’t stop thinking about it all day. Later that evening, as I was sorting through all of the information i had taken in, it sparked a (maybe not-so) brilliant idea in my blonde bobble head.
I decided that I was going to start my own little (not-so) secret social experiment. Over the past several weeks, my (maybe not-so) brilliant idea has spiraled out of control and has taken a completely different route than I expected. Since I am absolutely insane, I’m going to go ahead and run with it.
A couple of weeks ago I wrote an anonymous ad and I threw it out into the colossal internet universe.
I want to preface this by stating that I was sure to inform everyone that I was not qualified AT ALL to give advice or answer questions, but if they wanted answers to any questions from my personal opinion or possibly just an ear to listen to them vent, I would be around. Someday, in somewhere between 7-17 years, I will actually be Dr. Ally (What? Like it’s hard?) and I will no longer have to preface EVERY SINGLE THING I say with ‘I don’t know what I’m talking about because I don’t know anything.” because I will indeed know many things and that my friends, will be a beautiful day. I have a lengthy and difficult road ahead, but I can do it. I’ve spent the past decade messing around, but I think its about time I got serious with my life and hey… if all else fails, I can always just be a stripper. I mean, I do live in Vegas and women are just sexualized objects that aren’t good for anything except making sandwiches.
Anyway… My post that I threw out into the world wide web was pretty basic and lame. It really wasn’t an impressive or intriguing post at all.
I set up an anonymous email terminal where my email as well as any responses I received would be anonymous. Then I sat back and waited for replies…. but not for very long. Within an hour, my email was FLOODED with emails from both men and women asking my advice on so many different topics. They were venting about issues in their lives and some people were just looking for someone to chat with. I had no clue that there would be so many people willing to ask for advice or wanting to vent to a complete stranger that had absolutely no qualifications to answer any of their questions or solve any of their problems. I refused to answer any questions about me and I did not ask any questions about them unless I needed to collect a little bit of background information to give them my opinion on anything they were asking me.
Today I am going to address one of the many situations I was presented with by a man I am going to call Ashton. Please accompany me on my journey down this social experiment rabbit hole that I had no idea I was spiraling down into.
Ashton responded to my anonymous ad by emailing me and telling me that he found out two weeks prior that his wife was cheating on him. He discovered some racy videos and text message conversations between his wife and another man but he had not confronted her about it yet. He shared with me that in his opinion, the man in the videos was much younger and better looking than he was. On top of feeling heartbroken and depressed, he was also feeling extremely insecure.
I want to preface what I’m going to say next by stating that I do not condone cheating in any way, shape, or form. I believe that if you aren’t ready to be faithful in a relationship or you no longer wish to be faithful to your partner then you should remove yourself from that relationship or remain single. Breakups and divorces are hard. Believe me… I know the feeling all too well. However feeling betrayed and looking like the village idiot because everyone knew about an affair your partner was having except you is far worse.
With that being said, I would like to state that happy people do not run out and cheat on their partner.
Did you hear me?
HAPPY PEOPLE DO NOT WAKE UP ONE DAY AND RUN OUT AND HAVE AN AFFAIR.
This is by no means an excuse or justification. Cheating is not okay… but happy people do not cheat. People cheat because they feel as if something is missing or lacking in their relationship.
Ashton asked me if as a woman I though that his wife left the videos in a place that he could find them because she wanted him to find out. I do not know them or their relationship, but I told him it was possible. I told him that maybe she didn’t care if he found out because she was tired of sneaking around. Maybe she left the videos for him to see as a desperate cry for attention. Maybe she wanted him to see those videos because she wanted to hurt him. Maybe she was feeling hurt by him for neglecting her and their relationship in general and she was hoping that seeing those videos would hurt him. Maybe she was sending him a message saying “If you don’t pay attention to me, other men will.” Or maybe she was just careless and left them out by mistake. Like I said… I don’t know. Any of those situations are possible.
Ashton admitted to being wrapped up with his work. Lately, he had neglected to make his wife feel like she was his number one priority. He started to place all of the blame on himself for the affair.
I told him that he cannot solely blame himself. They both had made mistakes along the way in their relationship to bring them to this place in their relationship and there are two options. They could either decided that they love each other and want to make the relationship work or they could call it quits. Only they could decide what the correct route was for them. I told him that I highly suggest seeing a couples counselor to guide them through this difficult time in their marriage to help them communicate their feelings and emotions.
On thing Ashton’s wife failed to realize is that there are ALWAYS consequences for our actions. I have personally learned this lesson time after time. Ashton’s wife having an affair broke his trust and that is something that is going to be extremely difficult for her to earn back no matter how hard she tries. Although I have never been in the same situation as Ashton, in a weird way, I could relate to many of the things he was saying. Poodle and I had more than our fair share of problems… believe me. However, there are two things that we got ridiculously right in our relationship and one of those things was trust. This was one of the most valuable lessons I learned from our relationship. Girls trip, guys trip, bachelor party, late nights out with friends… it didn’t matter. I knew without a doubt that Poodle would have never ever cheated on me and he knew I would never ever have cheated on him. Trust was always something that we agreed needed to be a priority in our relationship. This came fairly easy in our relationship because to me, Poodle was perfect. At the time, I couldn’t have drawn up a more perfect man if I tried. He gave me everything I could possibly want and need out of a partner. In a previous post I said that not even Kris Bryant or Adam Levine could have distracted me from Poodle and that was 150% true. No one on the face of this planet would have been worth losing Poodle over and more importantly no person or one night of fun was worth hurting him. I loved him. Not only did I not have the desire to cheat on him because he gave me everything I could possibly want or need, I don’t think I could have lived with myself knowing that I caused him that kind of pain. At the time, I was his safe place and he was mine. That is how things should be in a relationship, but I had never had that with anyone else before. I think you should feel that type of allegiance to your partner.
Women are crazy. I know this. You know this. We all know this. However, we as women are actually very easy to please. All we truly want is to feel appreciated and for our heart to feel safe. How we receive these things are different depending on our love language, but they all boil down to us wanting and needing the same thing. Appreciation and love. If you can provide a woman with those two things and she feels safe, I promise you that will solve approximately 97% of your communication and relationship issues. (That was a bullshit statistic that I completely made up, but you guys see my point.)
It takes two people to make a relationship work. If one person is not carrying their weight, that is when problems start to surface in relationships. Ashton needs to remember to make his wife a priority and his wife needs to learn how to communicate with him when she is feeling unappreciated as opposed to running out and having an affair. Having an open line of communication with your partner is so important. Being open to feedback, reading books, listening to one another, and even exploring couples therapy are all tools that you can use to help keep your relationship healthy as well as a priority to you both.
This is just one of hundreds of emails I received while on this little social experiment of mine. There are SO many good topics that I was gifted by anonymous strangers by posting this ad. Be sure to follow my blog to keep up with my posts as I continue my journey down the rabbit hole.
PS If you click the “Follow” button on my home page, it will prompt you for your email address. By submitting it, you will receive an email each time I post a blog entry. Your email address will never be sold to a third party and the only emails you will ever receive from me are updates each time I post a blog entry. 😉