I just want to take moment to thank you all for your participation in ruining Jeff Dye’s day last Wednesday. I was giggling to myself for five days over the hundreds of Tweets, Instagram posts, and Facebook messages that you guys tagged both of us in asking him why he never called me. I’m sure he’s a nice guy and I really didn’t mean to ruin his day. This was all meant to be a joke. Hopefully as a comedian he can find and appreciate the humor in it all.
The second chapter of Modern Romance by Aziz Ansari is called The Initial Ask.
The chapter starts off discussing what the proper way to ask someone out on a date is. Should you do it by phone call? Text message? Email? Social media? Handwritten letter delivered via the Pony Express? I think this is a topic that could be debated for days. In my humble opinion, I don’t think it really matters how you ask someone out. Some people would say that it should be done by a phone call, but we live in a day and age where there are so many options and we are all so busy, I don’t see a problem with sending someone a text message, email, or contacting someone through an online dating site to ask them out on a date. It may seem impersonal to some people but no one can deny that it is more convenient. You can answer a text message or email at your own leisure. People are not always readily available to answer a phone call and wait for the other person to get the courage to spit out the question “Would you like to go out with me on Friday night.”
I may be little old fashioned but I believe that the man should initiate the first date. After we have gone out on a date or two, I am completely comfortable initiating for us to go out again. I don’t think that it matters HOW a man asks a woman out, but I do believe that it matters WHAT they say in the initial ask. What I mean is that it matters what words men say in the initial… not which form of technology you use to actually do the ask.
I would like to give you gentlemen out there a list of things NOT to do in your first interaction when attempting to ask a woman out.
- Don’t send her an unsolicited picture of your penis in the initial message.
- Don’t send her 17 messages in a row that say “Hey” if she ignores your first one.
- Don’t waste her (or your) time texting back and forth over pointless things for long periods of time. If you want to ask her out, ask her out.
- Don’t ask her for a threesome in the initial message. IF things work out, you can always negotiate your sexual fantasies together at a later time.
- Don’t try to initiate a conversation with a girl if you’re hammered. This never ends well.
- Don’t write your life story in your initial message to her. It’s weird.
- Don’t continue to ask her out for coffee if she doesn’t drink coffee.
- Don’t open up a conversation with any sort of sexual innuendoes in your initial message.
- Don’t criticize anything about her in your initial message.
- Don’t send a message without spell checking any words you might be uncertain about in your initial message.
- Don’t tell her you love her in the initial message. Yes it’s too soon and yes it’s weird.
- Don’t propose marriage in the initial message. You it’s too soon and yes it’s weird.
- Don’t use a degrading or vulgar opening line in your initial message.
- Don’t send sexual emojis in the initial message.
- Don’t ask her for nude photographs of herself in your initial message.
- Don’t tell her that you are currently jerking off to her profile picture in the initial message.
- Don’t tell her where you want to lick/kiss/touch/rub feel anywhere on her body in he initial message.
- Don’t tell her where you would like her to lick/kiss/touch/rub/feel anywhere on your body in the initial message.
- Don’t offer her money for sexual favors in the initial message.
- Don’t ask her for more photos of herself when she already has 25 posted on her online dating site.
- Don’t send weird pictures of your abs or you half naked in bed in the initial message.
- Don’t compare any of her photos to a farm animal in the initial message.
- Don’t tell her that you are contacting her because she looks like your ex girlfriend in your initial message.
- Don’t invite her over to your parents house in the initial message.
- Don’t tell her that you’re not a fan of her second chin in the initial message.
- Don’t ask her to have a sexual encounter with your wife in the initial message. I can promise you that this will work 0% of the time.
- Don’t lecture her like you are are her father in the initial message.
- Don’t yell at her or curse at her if she doesn’t respond to you. It makes you look like a psychopath. If she doesn’t respond to you, just take the hint and move along.
- Don’t offer to fly her to a secret location for a weekend alone in the initial message.
- Don’t ask her to listen to your demo CD in the initial message.
- Don’t spell her name wrong in the initial message. Or anytime after that for that matter.
- Don’t call her by the wrong name in the initial message. Or anytime after that for that matter.
- Don’t go into detail about your past relationships/criminal history/ or financial situation in the initial message.
- Don’t tell her you are currently awaiting a prison sentence in the initial message.
- Don’t insult her in any way, shape, or form in the initial message.
- Don’t ask to see any of her body parts that you can’t already see in her pictures in the initial message.
- Don’t lie about anything in the initial message. Females can research harder and faster than the FBI and we WILL find out.
- Don’t go in to detail about all of your sexual fantasies and fetishes in the initial message. (Unless you’re going to tell me that you have a foot fetish because mine are pretty great. 😉
- Don’t send 30 more messages just to ensure she isn’t interested if she didn’t respond to your first message or two. If she doesn’t respond, I can promise you that she is not interested in you. Move along.
- Don’t curse at her if you don’t feel like she responded to you in a timely manner. Sometimes, women are just busy. She may have read your message but not been able to respond at that moment. Don’t curse at her 15 minutes later. It makes you look insane.
- Do not compare her to any type of fruit in an initial message. (Unless you’re calling me a Fineapple because that shit will make me swoon every single time)
- Don’t call her pet names such as Sweetie, Hun, or Baby in the initial message.
- Don’t write her a song or poem professing your undying love to her in the initial message.
- Don’t ask her the question “Why are you single?” in the initial message.
- Don’t abbreviate words that do not need to be abbreviated in the initial message. (i.e. ur, wut, u, 2 etc.)
- Don’t tell her how many girls you have “banged” in the initial message. I can promise you that it will never impress her.
- Don’t tell her every detail you know about her from googling and social media stalking her (even if you did) in your initial message.
- Don’t call it “hanging out” or ask her to “chill” in the initial message. We are not in high school. Man up and ask the girl on an actual date.
- Don’t ask her what size her boobs are in the initial message.
- Don’t tell a girl she is gorgeous and would be perfect… if she didn’t have children. This will get you blocked, blacklisted, and ignored faster than ANYTHING.
I know that many of you are probably laughing while reading that list because 99% of those things sound absolutely absurd. You are most likely thinking “Who in their right mind would actually do or say any of those things? Especially in the initial message!” Well my friends, I am here to tell you that A LOT of people would do and say these things. These are only 50 examples of horrific messages I have personally received. I have hundreds, if not thousands more. Every single one of the points that I listed were taken directly from my personal inventory of messages that I have received throughout my online dating adventure.
Asking a woman out is nerve-racking, I understand… but it really is simple. Here are a few pointers that I want to throw out into the universe for all of the men reading this blog.
- If you have never met the woman in person, it is okay to go back and forth and make small talk with her for a little while. If that goes well, ASK HER OUT. Don’t wait too long. If you wait too long, she will lose interest in you and stop messaging you or she will think you’re not interested in her and another guy will be more aggressive about asking her out. Either way, your chance to ask her out will be gone.
- If you have met the woman in person, reference something that you remember from the night that you met her that will make her smile and be direct about the fact that you would like to go out with her. For example, if you asked for a woman’s phone number at a bar, when you decide to call or text her, say something like “Hi Mary. This is Keith. We met last night at Tahoe Sports Bar. I was the guy drinking what you referred to as “girly mojitos” and you failed to tell me that I had a huge piece of mint stuck in my teeth. I was wondering if you are free this Saturday night. If you are, I would like to take you out to dinner.” You made her laugh, told her you that you remembered her which makes her feel special, and you were assertive and direct about the fact that you want to take her out on a date.
- When you ask her out, act like an adult. No adult woman wants to be asked if she “Wants 2 chill” or “Hang out.” When you’re asking a woman out be direct and confident. Don’t be be vulgar or use slang. It makes you look uneducated and lazy.
Even if a woman is strong and independent, all women are suckers for a guy that is confident, takes initiative, and is direct. If she agrees to go on a date with you, ask her where she would like to eat. If she says “I don’t have a preference.” Then you make the decision. Don’t go back and forth. That’s what you waste time doing after you’ve been dating for a while. 😉 As a matter of fact, plan the entire date.
A personal pet peeve of mine is when a guy asks me to go “grab coffee.” First of all, I don’t like coffee. I understand coffee places sell other beverages, but I’m not a huge fan of the smell of coffee either so the last place I want to be is in a coffee shop. Meeting at a coffee shop feels like a job interview. It feels like I’m meeting someone to study algebra with or work on a group project with in college. Going to grab coffee is something I feel you should do after you have been on a date or two when you’re meeting up before work to say good morning or having a lazy Sunday morning together at a local Cafe. When you are first meeting a woman, she wants to feel as if you are actually interested in her. When someone asks me to go grab coffee for a first date what I hear as a women (and I know I’m not alone on this because I asked A TON of other women and every single one of them agreed) is “As a man, I do not want to commit to spending more than 30 minutes and $5 on a latte for you because I don’t know if I’m even going to like you.”
Okay. Hold on.
This has NOTHING to do with money. I do not mind doing something cheap or even free for a first date. I also do not mind paying for a date. In fact, I ALWAYS offer to pay on dates and about 50% of the time, I do end up paying. This is about making a girl feel like you would actually like to spend a little bit of time over a meal or doing a fun activity together to get to know her rather than racing through a 12oz latte in 30 minutes. Coffee feels so rushed an impersonal. If you are interested in a woman enough to ask her out, put a little bit of thought and effort into it and make her feel special. Take a date seriously. Woman aren’t fans of games. Which brings me to my next point.
I don’t know about you guys, but I am sick and tired of the ridiculous rules and games that some people play in the dating world these days. WE ARE ADULTS. We are not in high school anymore. I am sick and tired of hearing stupid things from men such as “We had a good date last night but I don’t want to seem desperate so I’m going to wait three days to text her.” In the mean time, the girl is freaking out because she thought everything went so well but you haven’t contacted her. Guess what fellows? By day three when you decide that now is a good time to contact her, she’s pissed. Three days later when you finally text her, she’s going to be annoyed and she will probably be an immature brat and wait 5 days to respond to you… if she chooses to respond to you at all. The theory behind men doing this is that people want what they can’t have and that’s very true. People do want what they can’t have. I’m certain that my infatuation with a couple of my exes didn’t have anything to do with me not being able to live without them because I’m living just fine. I think that I wanted them to love and accept me so badly because they DIDN’T WANT ME. They were never going to love me and want me as much as I loved and wanted them. However, I’m too old for that bullshit now. If I’m interested in you, I’m going to make sure that you know it. I don’t have time to wait a week between one sentence text messages just so that I seem “more desirable” to a man. Please believe me when I tell you that there are plenty of things to desire about me… but those things come later on in a relationship and they must be earned. I understand the thought process behind the whole “mysterious and not always available” thing but that is not appealing to me anymore. I did that shit when I was 21. You know what is sexy, appealing, and attractive to me? Effort. Respect. Manners. Consistency. Confidence.
Guess what? If I want to text you, I’m going to text you and I’m going to text you whenever I want and as many times as I want. If a man texts me and I read it, I’m not going to wait 15 minutes to text back just so I don’t look “desperate” or “over eager.” How in the world does me texting back as soon as I read it mean that I’m desperate? My phone is in my hand 80% of the day. I think it makes girls look WAY more ridiculous if they wait an hour to respond to a text message from a man just so that they don’t look eager and desperate. We are all aware that they have their phone in their hand 24/7. They read the text message and are now playing a game by not responding as soon as they read it. The only time I don’t respond in a timely manner is when I am sleeping or when I’m in my weekly therapy session. (which you should all be grateful I attend so that I remain sane and can enlighten all of you free of charge)
When I was asking around to get different perspectives about “the initial ask,” I had a woman tell me “You have to take turns texting. You can only send text for text.” That means that if I text a man and he hasn’t text me back for a little while, I am not allowed to text him until he responds to my original text message. WHAT?!? If I text a man and he is busy and can’t respond at the moment, but I come across thirty-six funny memes that I think he would laugh at, I’m definitely going to send him thirty-six more screenshot text messages in a row of memes before he has a chance to respond to my original text message. Sorry that I’m not sorry!
Another woman told me that “Your text messages have to be equal in length to their text messages.” That means if he texts me “How was your day?” I am limited to no more than a four word response? WHAT?!?! That is the most ridiculous thing I’ve ever heard! You guys read my blog. I’m wordy AF. If a guy asks me how my day is, sometimes I reply with “My day was great. Thanks for asking. :)” and that is all I say. However, sometimes I am in the mood to write him a novel of the details of my day from what flavor of toothpaste I used to brush my teeth that morning to the exact number of gallons of gas that I pumped into my car that afternoon. If that makes me “over eager” and “less attractive,” then so be it.
I had a man that I asked about this topic tell me that “In the first conversation, the last person to receive a text message wins the conversation.” I’m not even sure what this means and this is so ludicrous that I can’t even comment on it.
If any of that scares someone off or I look desperate, over eager, or less attractive, I don’t care. I am who I am and you can take it or leave it.
After the initial conversation, if a gentleman and I get to the point where we are going to go on a date, you know what were are both going to do? We’re both going to put on our FBI hats and research the shit out of each other online to make sure that neither one of us is a serial killer. This is a double edge sword. With how crazy the world is these days, I feel as though it is necessary for us to do our research about a person we are potentially going to go on a date with. However in some aspects, it puts ideas, thoughts, presumptions, and stereotypes in our heads about a person that we have never met.
There is this lovely couple that I absolutely adore more than anything in the world. They are both gorgeous, successful, fun, and madly in love with one another. I received a text message from them one day that they had a friend they wanted to set me up on a date with. I’m going to refer to him as Arson. They raved about him and I was giddy about going out with him because from their description, he sounded like a perfect match for me. As soon as they gave me his name, I went to work investigating him. After a quick google search I found out that he had spent prison time for manslaughter and had also spent prison time for arson because he set a car on fire that had several thousand pounds of cocaine inside it. Obviously, I was little frightened. However, those convictions were several years ago and he was a recommendation from one of my favorite couples so I didn’t know what to think. I spent several days deciding what the right thing to do was. Do I overlook his past? Ten years ago I wouldn’t have dreamed of overlooking what I read about him on the internet, but I’m in a different place in my life now. We all make mistakes and we all have a past. But wait… Did that make me desperate that I was willing to overlook these very serious convictions? Wait… Was I desperate? Or was he really a nice guy that had made a few (pretty serious) mistakes several years ago? (Been there, done that) While I was contemplating going out with this guy, I had lunch with one of my male friends who is a forever bachelor. I was telling him about Arson and as it turns out, Arson was an aquaintence of my friend. My friend proceeded to tell me that Arson was a frequent drug user and that he could be found 3-4 nights a week in the VIP section of the local strip club. I believed my friend because 1) he’s not a liar and 2) he is a forever bachelor who can also be found 3-4 nights a week in the VIP section of the local strip club. 😉 We all know that I am by no means a prude. I am in favor of a fun night at a strip club anytime. However, even though he came as a referral from trusted friends, I decided that I don’t need my future baby daddy snorting cocaine off a strippers ass cheek 3-4 nights a week at the local strip club when he is in his 40’s. I never went on a date with Arson. My gut instinct was right about him and I am glad that I dodged that bullet.
I also had a guy contact me online because we had a mutual friend. I immediately google searched him. Turns out, he had served prison time because he got mixed up with the wrong people in a high profile political scandal several years ago. I did not judge him on his past because we all have a past, but it certainly was something I had to acknowledge if I was going to go on a date with him. Before I was able to respond to his message, I heard that he had already asked a girl that I am very well aware exists, out on a date. I knew this girl and her history personally and if she was the type of girl he was interested in dating, I was positive that I would not be a good match for him. They dated for a couple of weeks and then ended things. Since then, I have been able to get to know him and we’re good friends now. He’s a super nice guy and has done some wonderful things with his life. He’s gong to make one girl very happy some day and I hope that a girl doesn’t judge him on his past and run away because they would certainly be missing out.
Doing research on someone before you agree to go on a date with them is completely necessary and normal. Sometimes someone is a psychopath and we should stay away from them based on what we learn about them through research on the internet and inquiring from mutual friends. However, keep in mind that we also can’t believe everything we hear and read. Things happen, people change, and we all should be well informed of the truth before we completely write someone off.
I guess my point of this blog is… do whatever the hell you want. Times have changed. There are so many different ways to meet someone and ask them out and there are so many different opinions as to what is right or wrong. Follow your heart, take each situation at face value, and respond to each individual you encounter as you see fit.
…unless you’re an asshole that is going to initiate a conversation with a woman by doing any 1 of the 50 things I listed above not to do. If you’re going to do any of those things even after I told you not to, you deserve to be alone.
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