Q and A (Week 7)

Here are answers to some of your questions from last week and the week before since I didn’t do a Q and A last week!

Q: On the list of 50 things men should not say in their initial ask… were all of the ones you listed real? How can men think that this would actually work?

A: YEP! Those were all things that personally happened to me in the initial ask during my online dating adventure.

To be honest with you, I do not think that men actually think that those opening lines will work in finding and securing a long term relationship with a woman. I think that immature little boys throw those lines out there 1) for shock value and 2) because they have no manners 3) because they are boys, not men 4) because maybe they are hoping that if they send out 1,000 of those horribly tacky opening messages that they will get one girl to respond. Maybe for those little boys it’s kind of like when new actors go on acting auditions. You might hear a million no’s, but all you need is that one yes. hahaha

Q: Were you surprised about your Love Languages outcome?

A: Nope. Not at all.

I thought that Words of Affirmation would be my number one, but it came second to Quality Time by only one point. Looking back, those were the two most important things that I needed in a relationship, and ironically (or maybe not really that ironic 😉 those were two of the things I seemed to lack from the people I dated in my past. If I would have been more self aware as to what was important to me in a partnership I’m certain that I could have communicated my wants and needs from my now ex partners with a little more maturity. You live, you learn.

Q: What is your favorite color?

A: Right now, I would have to say red or grey but if you ask me tomorrow it might be different. lol

Q: Seaman?

A: Okay. What about him?

What’s his name? I’m not telling. Where does he live? Also, not telling. What’s his favorite color? Plum. Or hot pink. What’s his mom’s maiden name? It’s six letters. What is his social security number? That I actually don’t know. I’ll ask him if you want me to though. What kind of car does he drive? I’m actually not sure. It think he said he had two cars and one or both of them might be BMW’s but don’t quote me on that. What does he look like? He’s handsome. How many siblings does he have? 3. Why do you call him Seaman? It has something to do with his occupation and it’s funny. Would you ever date Seaman? I’m not sure yet but probably.

I’m going to need more than one word questions if you want an accurate answer. I’m not a mind reader over here! But those are answers to just a few of the many questions I have received from other readers. If none of those were your question, be a tiny bit more specific so I can answer your question about Seaman next week. 🙂

Q: Have you ever had any other hair color besides blonde?

A: Yep. I’ve had black hair, red hair, blonde hair, and I’ve been a brunette. It’s been long, shoulder length, and I’ve had it as short as a pixie cut. I’ve pretty much had every different hair color and style that you can possibly think of over the years.

Q: Are you really going to submit an application for The Bachelor?

A: OF COURSE I AM. Between my big sarcastic mouth and your witty answers on the application, I can’t wait to see what kind of disaster we can create together for my application.

Q: What did you do for Valentines Day?

A: On Valentines Day I worked, went grocery shopping, mopped my floors, ate fried catfish with my kids, and then was #blezzed that evening with staph food poisoning that ruined my life for almost two days.

Q: So wait… I just read your latest blog post… are you dating someone now?

A: No you guys. I am not dating anyone or in any sort of relationship. lol

My point in telling you about my tiny crush in my post yesterday was to talk about how sometimes as humans we overthink things when they are actually really simple. I mean, I also have a crush on Zac Efron but unfortunately, I’m not dating him either. I guess I should have mentioned that I received several really sweet emails, text messages, and phone calls from different men, women, friends, as well as family wishing me a happy Valentines Day. Each one made me feel good because since I am not dating anyone or in a relationship, no one was obligated to think of me on Valentines Day… they chose to. It isn’t the actual act of going to brunch that would make me feel special (although I am going to make him actually take me to brunch because I LOVE brunch haha) it was the fact that although my tiny crush and I are nothing more than friends, he made an effort to acknowledge that he would have liked to take me to brunch for Valentine’s Day, it just didn’t work with our schedules. As women, we just want to feel thought about and appreciated and as men I’m sure all you want is to feel appreciated and not taken advantage of.

Also… of my readers got a new photoshop  program. He took a picture that I had taken when I went to San Francisco last year and played around with it a little bit. He was able to make my fingernails red and then emailed it to me. 💁🏼💅🏼


How cool is that?!?

I’m working on my post for chapter 3 of Modern Romance. This chapter is called Online Dating, so as you can imagine the chapter is literally almost 100 pages long. It’s going to have to be a 2 or 3 part post, but I will get to the first part of the chapter this week. Normally I write my posts the day of, but I have about 4 posts that I’m working on simultaneously right now because I have so many different stories and topics floating around my blonde bobble head.

I will see you guys soon!

xoxox,
Ally

PS If you click the “Follow” button on my home page, it will prompt you for your email address. By submitting it, you will receive an email each time I post a blog entry. Your email address will never be sold to a third party and the only emails you will ever receive from me are updates each time I post a blog entry. 😉

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Valentines Yay or Nay?

I write a lot about heartbreak. I write about how excruciatingly painful it is because it is an emotion that I am very familiar with. Heartbreak has consumed a huge portion of my life for the greater half of the past two years. There are so many different stages and feelings you experience while recovering from a broken heart. It’s an emotional roller coaster. You feel angry, sad, hurt, depressed, and a bunch of other feelings. Every single day you wake up not knowing how you’re going to feel that day. Some days are good, some days are great, and somedays you might as well take a double dose of NyQuil and not leave your bed because you are absolutely useless to the world.

When relationships end, I think that for the most part we really do wish the best for our ex when we part ways. We obviously loved and cared about that person to a certain extent at some point in our lives or we wouldn’t have been in a relationship with them. However, although we say the words “I just want you to be happy” It is so hard to be completely sincere when saying those words at that moment. Of course we really do want them to be happy, but being happy means they will eventually meet someone else, date someone else, kiss someone else, love someone else, and potentially marry and have a family with someone else. When you’re going through a painful breakup, it’s incredibly hard to imagine that hypothetical situation and be genuinely happy for them. ESPECIALLY if those were all of the things that you had spent so many years of your life dreaming about having with that particular person who is now nothing but another ex.

Everyday after the break up occurs we spend our days wandering around aimlessly with the pain of our heartbreak eating us alive, but we are adults and we have to act like we’re fine because we have lives to attend to. As I mentioned before, heartbreak is one of the most, if not THE worst kind of pain in this universe because there is absolutely nothing you can do to make it go away. It follows you to work, to activities, and to bed. You can’t forget about it or take medication to ease the pain. It is always there following you around like a dark cloud. As much as we would like to think that distracting ourselves with someone else might help, deep down we are all very much aware that it never helps. You just wind up thinking about your ex when you’re with your new love interest. Then eventually you will sabotage that because you were nowhere near ready to date anyone anyway. Heartbreak haunts you all day, everyday and time is the one and only thing that can truly mend our broken heart.

After a breakup, we are all sitting around waiting for the same thing. We are waiting for the day that we no longer have a heavy heart. The day when we wake up, the sun is shining, the birds are chirping and everything in the world looks a little bit brighter. We never know when this day will come and when it does it is almost unbelievable. It’s not just another day where you feel okay but you know very well that tomorrow you will probably be overcome with sadness again. It’s a different feeling. When this day finally arrives, it’s very confusing. All of the pain, anger, sadness, love, guilt, and depression are simply… gone. The most surreal part of reaching this point in the healing process is that not only are you ready to be open to the idea of dating and meeting someone new, but you also feel genuinely happy and at peace with the fact that your ex is going to meet someone new and pursue a future with them. You actually feel okay with your ex moving on. You’re not scared to run into them with someone new or run into them at all for that matter. When you’re heartbroken, the thought of running into your ex on a date, or hearing that that have a new boyfriend or girlfriend could be enough to kill you. It’s almost impossible to fathom. After being emotionally bound and consumed in heartbreak for so many years, you start to question if you will ever get over that person. You start to doubt that you will ever be able to let go of what you had with them and you’re even more terrified that you will never find that type of love again. You’re worried that you’re going to die alone because you know that no matter how much you love your ex, things will never work out with them but you are almost certain you will never be able to replace that type of love. When you finally reach a point where the thought of your ex meeting, dating, marring, and having a family with someone else no longer brings you even an ounce of pain but instead makes you genuinely happy that they will be happy, it is one of the most peaceful and freeing moments in your entire life. It is such a relief to know that there is absolutely nothing that your ex can do can affect you or your emotions positively or negatively anymore because you have finally moved on emotionally. To be free from that emotionally binding prison caused by heartbreak and knowing for a fact that you will find a love just as great if not greater, is the absolute best feeling in the entire world.

I read a quote this week that I cannot get out of my head. It said “If you can love the wrong person that much, imagine how much you can love the right one.” That quote hit me like a ton of bricks. I look back and think how madly and deeply I loved a couple of the people that I dated but looking back, they were totally wrong for me. If I can potentially love the right person that much if not more and have that love reciprocated, I mean… that’s almost too wonderful for me to comprehend.

Once the pain is gone and you’re ready to move on, this is where it gets tricky. What do you do now? How do you transition from being with someone for so long that your comfort level is 1,000,000 and they know everything about you to attempting to start all over from the beginning with someone else? I’ve been racking my brain with a million questions. How do you date? What’s too much? What’s not enough? What things are deal breakers for me and what are things I can tolerate? How many red flags are too many? How do you go about dating someone the right way? Wait… is there a right or a wrong way?

All of these questions started flooding my mind because Valentines Day was last week. Although I want to despise and ignore this Hallmark holiday, I can’t. Every year it keeps coming back whether I like it or not. Starting in January we all have teddy bears, conversation hearts, red and pink everything, heart shaped chocolate boxes, and love balloons shoved down our throats for weeks before this stupid holiday even occurs. I don’t care about Valentines Day, but I do have a friend that I have developed a tiny little crush on. For the past couple of weeks I was debating if I should do anything for him for Valentine’s Day… and if so, WHAT?!? I didn’t want to seem overly aggressive (he has already called me a predator and told me he’s going to have to start bringing Chris Hansen with him when we hang out lol) but I did want him to know that I was thinking about him. After obviously overthinking it, I decided to pick out a nice card, write a heartfelt message, and mail it to him so that it would arrive in his mailbox on Valentines Day since I knew I wouldn’t see him that day. On Valentines Day morning, I got a text from him that said “I wish I was able to take you to brunch today. I will make it up to you soon.” It made me smile. Even though I spent Valentine’s Day mopping my floors and eating fried catfish with my kids, that one simple text put a smile on my face that lasted an entire week. It wasn’t a fancy trip or expensive jewelry, but that one simple text gave me exactly what I needed. It made me feel valued. When women are content, they don’t need material things. All we want is to feel like we are a priority in your life. What makes it even better is when someone chooses to make us a priority in their life not because they are our boyfriend or husband, but because they want to and choose to even though they have absolutely no obligation to us. He received my card on Valentines Day night and he text me and said it made him smile which is all I wanted to achieve by sending it.

Why was I freaking out? If he made me smile with a text message and I made him smile with a card, why was I making things complicated by overthinking things?  This week I learned that I don’t need all the answers to everything right now. Sometimes I need to take a step back, accept where life is taking me, and roll with the punches… with caution, of course. 😉

xoxox,
Ally

PS If you click the “Follow” button on my home page, it will prompt you for your email address. By submitting it, you will receive an email each time I post a blog entry. Your email address will never be sold to a third party and the only emails you will ever receive from me are updates each time I post a blog entry. 😉

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Ally Stagg: The Next Bachelorette?

Yesterday, a woman that I know wrote a post on my Facebook wall that said:


As always, I am going to be very honest with you guys. Although I am nothing more than a basic white girl who drinks wine and wears yoga pants even when I’m not working out, I actually do not watch The Bachelor or The Bachelorette. I have a very limited amount of space on my TiVo for my not-so-secret guilty pleasure, trashy Reality TV. Between Vanderpump Rules and all of the Real Housewives franchises, Bravo TV has maxed out my TiVo’s memory space. I am pretty sure that I watched the first season of The Bachelor, but they are on season 21 now so I am very far removed from The Bachelor and The Bachelorette cult. In fact, I am so removed from the cult that when I originally saw that post from my friend on my Facebook wall yesterday, I had to send a screenshot of it to my sister(BB) and my sister-in-law(SIL) who watch the show religiously to ask them what it translated to. Our conversation went as follows:

Me: What does this mean? I don’t watch the show. lol

SIL: Hahaha It means that you would get to pick from 25 hot eligible bachelors and find love on television all while traveling the world at ABC’s expense. Also, I agree with that person.

Me: Soooo… Why haven’t they called me yet?

SIL: They already have one picked out for next season, but I think we need to get you on there hahaha

Me: *shrugging emoticon*

BB: HOW DO YOU NOT WATCH IT?!?! *crying emoticon*

Me: I have my own shitty dating life as entertainment.

After people saw the Facebook and Instagram posts from my friend saying I could be the next favorite bachelorette, a ton of text messages and emails started rolling in from my friends, family, and acquaintances saying “You really should audition for The Bachelor or The Bachelorette!” All day I have been thinking about how hilarious it would be if I were on either show. I would either be one of the 25 girls vying for a successful hunks undying affection or I would be the one bachelorette that has 25 hot, successful, single men chasing after me. If I were a contestant on The Bachelor, I would be living in a house with 24 other women where we are all fighting for the love of one man. That would be comedy all in itself. Especially if you take into consideration my big, sarcastic, witty mouth as well as my lack of patience for bullshit and stupidity. Being The Bachelorette would be a nice change of pace for me considering all that I have had chasing after me for the past two years are trolls and douche bags who find me on the internet. Having 25 sexy men all in one house at my disposal sounds SO much more appealing and convenient than the online dating nightmare I have spiraled down into.

I researched last seasons female Bachelor contestants. They are all gorgeous and some of them seem smart. That lead me to stalk the woman that ABC chose as the new bachelorette. She is a stunning Dallas-based attorney. As soon as I read that, I realized that there is no way in hell that ABC would ever willing cast me, a serial online dating divorcee with more baggage than Kim Kardashian on a trip to New York fashion week to be a contestant on either show.

After a couple hours of sulking over my broken dreams of my short lived fantasy where I was being oiled up and rubbed down by 25 of my own personal boy toy suitors, I had the most brilliant idea. I decided that even though I know they will never choose me, I am still going to send in a casting application for The Bachelor and The Bachelorette.

HOWEVER… There is a catch.

You guys (my readers) are going to write my casting application for me. SWOON!

If I’m going to apply to be on the show strictly for entertainment purposes, why not have some fun with the application?

I have to fill out all of the boring details such as my name, age, and weight (which I will obviously lie about) but I want you guys to fill out the rest of the questions on the application on my behalf. I don’t care if you know me or not. Have fun with it. The most creative and hilarious answers to the questions are the answers that I will submit on my casting application. You can send me an answer to only one of the questions if you would like, or please feel free to answer them all if you’re feeling creative and ambitious. Here is a list of the questions I need you guys to creatively answer for me. You can copy and paste them into an email and send them to me.

*Do you drink alcoholic beverages? What’s your favorite drink?

*If you have been married, why are you no longer together?

*Are you genuinely looking to get married & why?

*Why would you want to find your spouse on our TV show?

*Please describe your ideal mate in terms of physical attraction and in terms of personality attraction.

*What are your hobbies and interests?

*Do you have any pets?

*Do you have any special talents? Tell us!

*List 3 adjectives that would surprise people about you:

*Do you have any tattoos? If yes, what are they? And where are they located on your body?

*What accomplishment are you most proud of?

*What have you not found but would like to have in a relationship?

I am in no rush to submit this application because I want it to be hilariously perfect. I am giving you (and lets be honest, myself) SEVEN WEEKS to think about, type out, and email these answers back to me. You can send them to me anytime starting now if you have spare time, but I will not choose the final answers that are going on my application until the first week of April. Once I complete the final application, I will be sure to post it on my blog so that you can read word for word what I’m going to submit to ABC. You have until midnight on Friday March 31, 2017 to submit one or all of your answers to the questions listed above. Please email them to SwipedOutLV@gmail.com.

I cannot wait to see what creative answers you guys come up with. If they are anything like some of the weekly questions you guys send me for my Q and A section, ABC, Chris Harrison, and I are all in for a real treat. I’m so excited! #voteforme

xoxox,
Ally

PS If you click the “Follow” button on my home page, it will prompt you for your email address. By submitting it, you will receive an email each time I post a blog entry. Your email address will never be sold to a third party and the only emails you will ever receive from me are updates each time I post a blog entry. 😉

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I’m Alive!

Hi you guys.

Thank you for the love, concern, and hate mail (you know who you are) that I’ve received over the last week for my lack of blog posts. 

I had a very lengthy two part post ready to go last week. It was equipped with great detail, emotion, graphs, pie charts, scanned documents, and fact after fact after fact… BUT at the last minute, I decided that it is not the right time to post that particular post so it never went live. I will post it someday, now just isn’t the right time for me. 

After that, I was #BLEZZED with hand, foot, and mouth virus courtesy of my two year old daughter which had me down and out for several days. Just when I was feeling a little bit better, I was #SOBLEZZED with Staph food poisoning that had me sleeping on my bathroom floor and praying to the porcelain Gods for two days. 

Anyway… today is the first day in over a week that I have felt half human so expect new blog posts the next few days! I have a lot on my mind so prepare yourself!

Xoxox,

Ally

Q and A Wednesday (Week 6)

I would like to start off by stating that I am no longer going to acknowledge the people who continue to email me and ask who Joe and Cowboy Casanova are. lol

As for the rest of you… here are some answers to your questions this week.

Q: Did Jeff Dye ever call or text you?

A: No. I knew from the moment my sister told me that she got drunk, interrupted his show, and then proceeded to hunt him down after the show to give him my phone number that I was not going to hear from Mr. Dye. My post about Jeff Dye was strictly for entertainment value because it was a funny story. When my sister and friend Jenni both text me in the same day and said “You should have all of your readers tweet Jeff and ask him why he didn’t call you.” I HAD to do it. It was too funny not to. Jeff is a comedian and probably a nice guy too. I’m sure he found and appreciated the humor in the situation.

Q: What is the number one quality that you look for in a guy?

A: Recently I learned an incredibly valuable lesson.

The biggest mistake that I have personally made in my past relationships is that I was loving my partner the way that I, Ally Stagg, wanted and needed to be loved instead of how my partner needed and wanted to be loved. At the time I didn’t know any better. I have learned that we all receive love very differently and I have realized that I need to accommodate my parters needs and wants for love.

There is an amazing book by Gary D. Chapman that is called the The 5 Love Languages: The Secret to Love that Lasts. This book breaks down love into five categories.

Words of Affirmation
Acts of Service
Receiving Gifts
Quality Time
Physical Touch

There is a simple quiz in the back of the book or online that you can take. By answering 30 questions, it will teach you more about how YOU want and need to be loved.

To give you an example, my results are as follows:

Quality Time- 9
Words of Affirmation- 8
Acts of Service- 7
Physical Touch- 6
Receiving Gifts- 0

The two most important things to me personally are Quality Time and Words of Affirmation.

When I was married, my husband NEVER listened to me. In fact, I still remember a night that I came home from work (I was a waitress at the time and he was a bartender) and I was venting about a couple of events that had happened that evening at work. He completely ignored me and continued to watch TV. I remember looking at him and saying “Can you please mute the TV so that I can talk to you for a minute?’ My then husband paused the TV, looked at me and said “We work in the same industry. We both deal with assholes all night whether it be coworkers or customers. I have enough of them to deal with when I’m at work so the last thing that I want to do on my night off from work is hear about the assholes at your job.” He then turned the TV back on and continued watching his show.

I was devastated.

In fact, I was so devastated that I still remember that night and what he said to me word for word and that was eight years ago. It has taken me eight years to realize why my then husband not listening to me hurt me so deeply. All I wanted from him was for him to listen to me. If he would have paused the TV and listened to me, that situation would have solved itself, I would have carried on with my evening, and I never would have thought about it again. My ex husband didn’t know that. How was he supposed to know that? I didn’t even know that about myself yet.

My ex husband clearly saw that we were lacking things in our marriage so he thought that him over compensating with gifts would make up for everything I was so desperately seeking that was lacking in our marriage. Now looking back, I giggle because I got a zero in gifts. Him buying me material things was not what I needed at all because that is not how I personally receive love.

There is a reason I told you all of that.

To answer your question, the most important thing to me in a future partner is someone who understands my needs. I need someone who understands that in reality, all it takes to make me happy is quality time with them and a few kind words of affirmation.  I basically need someone who will sit on the couch with me and occasionally tell me I’m pretty. Kidding. Kinda. 😉 I need someone who is willing to sit in bed with me and talk about our day. Or maybe we are playing a game together. Or maybe they are reading and I’m sitting next to them on my laptop writing my next blog post. I need someone who will make an effort to spend quality time with me and who will occasionally send me words of affirmation whether they be words of humility, gratitude and appreciation, encouragement, empathy, or respect and admiration.

Q: What combination of fixings makes the perfect burrito?

A: Now we’re talking!

This is a topic I could write about for days. I can’t even begin to tell you guys how much I love salty, greasy, fried, sauce smothered Mexican food. My two weaknesses in life are a tall well dressed men with dark hair and Mexican food. In my humble opinion, the perfect burrito has black beans (not pinto) carne asada and literally any other ingredient that they have readily available at the Mexican restaurant to put in that burrito. I.want.it.all. And yes, I will happily splurge the extra money to add guacamole thank you very much.

Q: How come you don’t write about your sex life.

A: I don’t write about my sex life because although I am more than willing to put almost anything out there on the table for you guys including my raw feelings and emotions, there are some things in life that I respect and would like to keep sacred. Intimate moments that I spend with anyone whether they be emotionally or physically intimate will remain between us.

Well… that and I also don’t have a sex life to write about. lol

…but seriously though.

Q: Tell us one thing we don’t know about you.

A: I wash my bedding at least 3 times a week because after a long day I absolutely love crawling into clean sheets that smell like fabric softener. It’s my little piece of heaven on earth.

Q: You said in your last post (Modern Romance: Chapter 1) that technology could allow you to date anyone in the entire world. Would you ever move out of Sin City for love?

A: I don’t know. I’ve never thought about it. Never say never I guess. 🙂

Thanks for the questions! You guys make me laugh so hard every week with the different things that you come up with to ask me. I love you all and appreciate your support mucho!

xoxox,
Ally

PS If you click the “Follow” button on my home page, it will prompt you for your email address. By submitting it, you will receive an email each time I post a blog entry. Your email address will never be sold to a third party and the only emails you will ever receive from me are updates each time I post a blog entry. 😉

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Modern Romance: Chapter 2

I just want to take moment to thank you all for your participation in ruining Jeff Dye’s day last Wednesday. I was giggling to myself for five days over the hundreds of Tweets, Instagram posts, and Facebook messages that you guys tagged both of us in asking him why he never called me. I’m sure he’s a nice guy and I really didn’t mean to ruin his day. This was all meant to be a joke. Hopefully as a comedian he can find and appreciate the humor in it all.

Anyway…

The second chapter of Modern Romance by Aziz Ansari is called The Initial Ask.

The chapter starts off discussing what the proper way to ask someone out on a date is. Should you do it by phone call? Text message? Email? Social media? Handwritten letter delivered via the Pony Express? I think this is a topic that could be debated for days. In my humble opinion, I don’t think it really matters how you ask someone out. Some people would say that it should be done by a phone call, but we live in a day and age where there are so many options and we are all so busy, I don’t see a problem with sending someone a text message, email, or contacting someone through an online dating site to ask them out on a date. It may seem impersonal to some people but no one can deny that it is more convenient. You can answer a text message or email at your own leisure. People are not always readily available to answer a phone call and wait for the other person to get the courage to spit out the question “Would you like to go out with me on Friday night.”

I may be little old fashioned but I believe that the man should initiate the first date. After we have gone out on a date or two, I am completely comfortable initiating for us to go out again. I don’t think that it matters HOW a man asks a woman out, but I do believe that it matters WHAT they say in the initial ask. What I mean is that it matters what words men say in the initial… not which form of technology you use to actually do the ask.

I would like to give you gentlemen out there a list of things NOT to do in your first interaction when attempting to ask a woman out.

  1. Don’t send her an unsolicited picture of your penis in the initial message.
  2. Don’t send her 17 messages in a row that say “Hey” if she ignores your first one.
  3. Don’t waste her (or your) time texting back and forth over pointless things for long periods of time. If you want to ask her out, ask her out.
  4. Don’t ask her for a threesome in the initial message. IF things work out, you can always negotiate your sexual fantasies together at a later time.
  5. Don’t try to initiate a conversation with a girl if you’re hammered. This never ends well.
  6. Don’t write your life story in your initial message to her. It’s weird.
  7. Don’t continue to ask her out for coffee if she doesn’t drink coffee.
  8. Don’t open up a conversation with any sort of sexual innuendoes in your initial message.
  9. Don’t criticize anything about her in your initial message.
  10. Don’t send a message without spell checking any words you might be uncertain about in your initial message.
  11. Don’t tell her you love her in the initial message. Yes it’s too soon and yes it’s weird.
  12. Don’t propose marriage in the initial message. You it’s too soon and yes it’s weird.
  13. Don’t use a degrading or vulgar opening line in your initial message.
  14. Don’t send sexual emojis in the initial message.
  15. Don’t ask her for nude photographs of herself in your initial message.
  16. Don’t tell her that you are currently jerking off to her profile picture in the initial message.
  17. Don’t tell her where you want to lick/kiss/touch/rub feel anywhere on her body in he initial message.
  18. Don’t tell her where you would like her to lick/kiss/touch/rub/feel anywhere on your body in the initial message.
  19. Don’t offer her money for sexual favors in the initial message.
  20. Don’t ask her for more photos of herself when she already has 25 posted on her online dating site.
  21. Don’t send weird pictures of your abs or you half naked in bed in the initial message.
  22. Don’t compare any of her photos to a farm animal in the initial message.
  23. Don’t tell her that you are contacting her because she looks like your ex girlfriend in your initial message.
  24. Don’t invite her over to your parents house in the initial message.
  25. Don’t tell her that you’re not a fan of her second chin in the initial message.
  26. Don’t ask her to have a sexual encounter with your wife in the initial message. I can promise you that this will work 0% of the time.
  27. Don’t lecture her like you are are her father in the initial message.
  28. Don’t yell at her or curse at her if she doesn’t respond to you. It makes you look like a psychopath. If she doesn’t respond to you, just take the hint and move along.
  29. Don’t offer to fly her to a secret location for a weekend alone in the initial message.
  30. Don’t ask her to listen to your demo CD in the initial message.
  31. Don’t spell her name wrong in the initial message. Or anytime after that for that matter.
  32. Don’t call her by the wrong name in the initial message. Or anytime after that for that matter. 
  33. Don’t go into detail about your past relationships/criminal history/ or financial situation in the initial message.
  34. Don’t tell her you are currently awaiting a prison sentence in the initial message.
  35. Don’t insult her in any way, shape, or form in the initial message.
  36. Don’t ask to see any of her body parts that you can’t already see in her pictures in the initial message.
  37. Don’t lie about anything in the initial message. Females can research harder and faster than the FBI and we WILL find out.
  38. Don’t go in to detail about all of your sexual fantasies and fetishes in the initial message. (Unless you’re going to tell me that you have a foot fetish because mine are pretty great. 😉
  39. Don’t send 30 more messages just to ensure she isn’t interested if she didn’t respond to your first message or two. If she doesn’t respond, I can promise you that she is not interested in you. Move along.
  40. Don’t curse at her if you don’t feel like she responded to you in a timely manner. Sometimes, women are just busy. She may have read your message but not been able to respond at that moment. Don’t curse at her 15 minutes later. It makes you look insane.
  41. Do not compare her to any type of fruit in an initial message. (Unless you’re calling me a Fineapple because that shit will make me swoon every single time)
  42. Don’t call her pet names such as Sweetie, Hun, or Baby in the initial message.
  43. Don’t write her a song or poem professing your undying love to her in the initial message.
  44. Don’t ask her the question “Why are you single?” in the initial message.
  45. Don’t abbreviate words that do not need to be abbreviated in the initial message. (i.e. ur, wut, u, 2 etc.)
  46. Don’t tell her how many girls you have “banged” in the initial message. I can promise you that it will never impress her.
  47. Don’t tell her every detail you know about her from googling and social media stalking her (even if you did) in your initial message.
  48. Don’t call it “hanging out” or ask her to “chill” in the initial message. We are not in high school. Man up and ask the girl on an actual date.
  49. Don’t ask her what size her boobs are in the initial message. 
  50. Don’t tell a girl she is gorgeous and would be perfect… if she didn’t have children. This will get you blocked, blacklisted, and ignored faster than ANYTHING.

I know that many of you are probably laughing while reading that list because 99% of those things sound absolutely absurd. You are most likely thinking “Who in their right mind would actually do or say any of those things? Especially in the initial message!” Well my friends, I am here to tell you that A LOT of people would do and say these things. These are only 50 examples of horrific messages I have personally received. I have hundreds, if not thousands more. Every single one of the points that I listed were taken directly from my personal inventory of messages that I have received throughout my online dating adventure.

Asking a woman out is nerve-racking, I understand… but it really is simple. Here are a few pointers that I want to throw out into the universe for all of the men reading this blog.

  1. If you have never met the woman in person, it is okay to go back and forth and make small talk with her for a little while. If that goes well, ASK HER OUT. Don’t wait too long. If you wait too long, she will lose interest in you and stop messaging you or she will think you’re not interested in her and another guy will be more aggressive about asking her out. Either way, your chance to ask her out will be gone.
  2. If you have met the woman in person, reference something that you remember from the night that you met her that will make her smile and be direct about the fact that you would like to go out with her. For example, if you asked for a woman’s phone number at a bar, when you decide to call or text her, say something like “Hi Mary. This is Keith. We met last night at Tahoe Sports Bar. I was the guy drinking what you referred to as “girly mojitos” and you failed to tell me that I had a huge piece of mint stuck in my teeth. I was wondering if you are free this Saturday night. If you are, I would like to take you out to dinner.” You made her laugh, told her you that you remembered her which makes her feel special, and you were assertive and direct about the fact that you want to take her out on a date.
  3. When you ask her out, act like an adult. No adult woman wants to be asked if she “Wants 2 chill” or “Hang out.” When you’re asking a woman out be direct and confident. Don’t be be vulgar or use slang. It makes you look uneducated and lazy.

Even if a woman is strong and independent, all women are suckers for a guy that is confident, takes initiative, and is direct. If she agrees to go on a date with you, ask her where she would like to eat. If she says “I don’t have a preference.” Then you make the decision. Don’t go back and forth. That’s what you waste time doing after you’ve been dating for a while. 😉  As a matter of fact, plan the entire date. 

A personal pet peeve of mine is when a guy asks me to go “grab coffee.” First of all, I don’t like coffee. I understand coffee places sell other beverages, but I’m not a huge fan of the smell of coffee either so the last place I want to be is in a coffee shop. Meeting at a coffee shop feels like a job interview. It feels like I’m meeting someone to study algebra with or work on a group project with in college. Going to grab coffee is something I feel you should do after you have been on a date or two when you’re meeting up before work to say good morning or having a lazy Sunday morning together at a local Cafe. When you are first meeting a woman, she wants to feel as if you are actually interested in her. When someone asks me to go grab coffee for a first date what I hear as a women (and I know I’m not alone on this because I asked A TON of other women and every single one of them agreed) is “As a man, I do not want to commit to spending more than 30 minutes and $5 on a latte for you because I don’t know if I’m even going to like you.”

Okay. Hold on.

This has NOTHING to do with money. I do not mind doing something cheap or even free for a first date. I also do not mind paying for a date. In fact, I ALWAYS offer to pay on dates and about 50% of the time, I do end up paying. This is about making a girl feel like you would actually like to spend a little bit of time over a meal or doing a fun activity together to get to know her rather than racing through a 12oz latte in 30 minutes. Coffee feels so rushed an impersonal. If you are interested in a woman enough to ask her out, put a little bit of thought and effort into it and make her feel special. Take a date seriously. Woman aren’t fans of games. Which brings me to my next point.

The games.

I don’t know about you guys, but I am sick and tired of the ridiculous rules and games that some people play in the dating world these days. WE ARE ADULTS. We are not in high school anymore. I am sick and tired of hearing stupid things from men such as “We had a good date last night but I don’t want to seem desperate so I’m going to wait three days to text her.” In the mean time, the girl is freaking out because she thought everything went so well but you haven’t contacted her. Guess what fellows? By day three when you decide that now is a good time to contact her, she’s pissed. Three days later when you finally text her, she’s going to be annoyed and she will probably be an immature brat and wait 5 days to respond to you… if she chooses to respond to you at all. The theory behind men doing this is that people want what they can’t have and that’s very true. People do want what they can’t have. I’m certain that my infatuation with a couple of my exes didn’t have anything to do with me not being able to live without them because I’m living just fine. I think that I wanted them to love and accept me so badly because they DIDN’T WANT ME. They were never going to love me and want me as much as I loved and wanted them. However, I’m too old for that bullshit now. If I’m interested in you, I’m going to make sure that you know it. I don’t have time to wait a week between one sentence text messages just so that I seem “more desirable” to a man. Please believe me when I tell you that there are plenty of things to desire about me… but those things come later on in a relationship and they must be earned. I understand the thought process behind the whole “mysterious and not always available” thing but that is not appealing to me anymore. I did that shit when I was 21.  You know what is sexy, appealing, and attractive to me? Effort. Respect. Manners. Consistency. Confidence.

Guess what? If I want to text you, I’m going to text you and I’m going to text you whenever I want and as many times as I want. If a man texts me and I read it, I’m not going to wait 15 minutes to text back just so I don’t look “desperate” or “over eager.” How in the world does me texting back as soon as I read it mean that I’m desperate? My phone is in my hand 80% of the day. I think it makes girls look WAY more ridiculous if they wait an hour to respond to a text message from a man just so that they don’t look eager and desperate. We are all aware that they have their phone in their hand 24/7. They read the text message and are now playing a game by not responding as soon as they read it. The only time I don’t respond in a timely manner is when I am sleeping or when I’m in my weekly therapy session. (which you should all be grateful I attend so that I remain sane and can enlighten all of you free of charge)

When I was asking around to get different perspectives about “the initial ask,” I had a woman tell me “You have to take turns texting. You can only send text for text.” That means that if I text a man and he hasn’t text me back for a little while, I am not allowed to text him until he responds to my original text message. WHAT?!? If I text a man and he is busy and can’t respond at the moment, but I come across thirty-six funny memes that I think he would laugh at, I’m definitely going to send him thirty-six more screenshot text messages in a row of memes before he has a chance to respond to my original text message. Sorry that I’m not sorry!

Another woman told me that “Your text messages have to be equal in length to their text messages.” That means if he texts me “How was your day?” I am limited to no more than a four word response? WHAT?!?! That is the most ridiculous thing I’ve ever heard! You guys read my blog. I’m wordy AF. If a guy asks me how my day is, sometimes I reply with “My day was great. Thanks for asking. :)” and that is all I say. However, sometimes I am in the mood to write him a novel of the details of my day from what flavor of toothpaste I used to brush my teeth that morning to the exact number of gallons of gas that I pumped into my car that afternoon. If that makes me “over eager” and “less attractive,” then so be it.

I had a man that I asked about this topic tell me that “In the first conversation, the last person to receive a text message wins the conversation.” I’m not even sure what this means and this is so ludicrous that I can’t even comment on it. 

If any of that scares someone off or I look desperate, over eager, or less attractive, I don’t care. I am who I am and you can take it or leave it.

After the initial conversation, if a gentleman and I get to the point where we are going to go on a date, you know what were are both going to do? We’re both going to put on our FBI hats and research the shit out of each other online to make sure that neither one of us is a serial killer. This is a double edge sword. With how crazy the world is these days, I feel as though it is necessary for us to do our research about a person we are potentially going to go on a date with. However in some aspects, it puts ideas, thoughts, presumptions, and stereotypes in our heads about a person that we have never met.

There is this lovely couple that I absolutely adore more than anything in the world. They are both gorgeous, successful, fun, and madly in love with one another. I received a text message from them one day that they had a friend they wanted to set me up on a date with. I’m going to refer to him as Arson. They raved about him and I was giddy about going out with him because from their description, he sounded like a perfect match for me. As soon as they gave me his name, I went to work investigating him. After a quick google search I found out that he had spent prison time for manslaughter and had also spent prison time for arson because he set a car on fire that had several thousand pounds of cocaine inside it. Obviously, I was little frightened. However, those convictions were several years ago and he was a recommendation from one of my favorite couples so I didn’t know what to think. I spent several days deciding what the right thing to do was. Do I overlook his past? Ten years ago I wouldn’t have dreamed of overlooking what I read about him on the internet, but I’m in a different place in my life now. We all make mistakes and we all have a past. But wait… Did that make me desperate that I was willing to overlook these very serious convictions? Wait… Was I desperate? Or was he really a nice guy that had made a few (pretty serious) mistakes several years ago? (Been there, done that) While I was contemplating going out with this guy, I had lunch with one of my male friends who is a forever bachelor. I was telling him about Arson and as it turns out, Arson was an aquaintence of my friend. My friend proceeded to tell me that Arson was a frequent drug user and that he could be found 3-4 nights a week in the VIP section of the local strip club. I believed my friend because 1) he’s not a liar and 2) he is a forever bachelor who can also be found 3-4 nights a week in the VIP section of the local strip club. 😉 We all know that I am by no means a prude. I am in favor of a fun night at a strip club anytime.  However, even though he came as a referral from trusted friends, I decided that I don’t need my future baby daddy snorting cocaine off a strippers ass cheek 3-4 nights a week at the local strip club when he is in his 40’s. I never went on a date with Arson. My gut instinct was right about him and I am glad that I dodged that bullet.

I also had a guy contact me online because we had a mutual friend. I immediately google searched him. Turns out, he had served prison time because he got mixed up with the wrong people in a high profile political scandal several years ago. I did not judge him on his past because we all have a past, but it certainly was something I had to acknowledge if I was going to go on a date with him. Before I was able to respond to his message, I heard that he had already asked a girl that I am very well aware exists, out on a date. I knew this girl and her history personally and if she was the type of girl he was interested in dating, I was positive that I would not be a good match for him. They dated for a couple of weeks and then ended things. Since then, I have been able to get to know him and we’re good friends now. He’s a super nice guy and has done some wonderful things with his life. He’s gong to make one girl very happy some day and I hope that a girl doesn’t judge him on his past and run away because they would certainly be missing out.

Doing research on someone before you agree to go on a date with them is completely necessary and normal. Sometimes someone is a psychopath and we should stay away from them based on what we learn about them through research on the internet and inquiring from mutual friends. However, keep in mind that we also can’t believe everything we hear and read. Things happen, people change, and we all should be well informed of the truth before we completely write someone off.

I guess my point of this blog is… do whatever the hell you want. Times have changed. There are so many different ways to meet someone and ask them out and there are so many different opinions as to what is right or wrong. Follow your heart, take each situation at face value, and respond to each individual you encounter as you see fit.

…unless you’re an asshole that is going to initiate a conversation with a woman by doing any 1 of the 50 things I listed above not to do. If you’re going to do any of those things even after I told you not to, you deserve to be alone.

xoxox,
Ally

PS If you click the “Follow” button on my home page, it will prompt you for your email address. By submitting it, you will receive an email each time I post a blog entry. Your email address will never be sold to a third party and the only emails you will ever receive from me are updates each time I post a blog entry. 😉

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Jeff Dye

Typically I keep everyone in my blog anonymous. Today, I’m not going to do that.

Have any of you heard of a comedian named Jeff Dye? Well, neither had I until last Friday when a post popped up on my Facebook timeline that said “Brittany Stagg Leake (my Abercrombie and Bitch sister) is going to an event: NBC’s Jeff Dye coming to Wiseguys Comedy Club in SLC this weekend.” Obviously being the nosy person that I am, I googled to see who Jeff Dye is. Turns out, he’s a pretty famous comedian. He was a finalist on season 6 of Last Comic Standing and has hosted two MTV series. He has also made a ton of other TV appearances and did I mention he is ridiculously HOT?!?

As soon as I saw how cute this Jeff Dye guy was, I went and “liked” my sisters event on her timeline and then I text her. Our conversation went like this (BB is my sister’s nickname):

Me: I just stalked that Jeff Dye guy’s entire life. That tall drink of water is sexy.

BB: He is hot in a nerdy kind of way.

(***Sidenote: My sister is happily married with two gorgeous children)

Me: He looks like he would be a good blog post. #makeithappen

BB: Done. I need a stack of your business cards.

Me: For my blog?

BB: No. For me to hand out to potential suitors.

Me: “If you want the world to know everything about you, your penis, and your past, then you should date me!!!”

BB: Thats the best sell I’ve ever heard. How can they turn you down??

Me: I’m actually going to put that on my business cards.

BB: You really should make some.

Me: Watch me. In the meantime, give Dye Guy my phone number. #kthnxbai

After that, I carried on with my day and completely forgot about my conversation with my sister…

…until nine hours later when this picture text message popped up on my phone:

In case you can’t see the photo, that is a picture of Jeff Dye holding a Station Casino’s free drink ticket with my phone number written on it.

I almost died laughing.

I text my sister back and told her that ALMOST makes up for her being an Abercrombie and Bitch to me growing up. She said “ALMOST?!?!” I said “Yes. It will only completely make up for your behavior towards me growing up if he actually texts me.”

She then proceeded to tell me that during his stand up comedy show, there was this perfect moment when he said “I’m waiting for the right girl to come along…” and my sister (who I would bet a million dollars was a bottle and a half of Chardonnay deep at this point) stood up and yelled “MY SISTER!” Jeff was probably startled that some drunk chick interrupted his show (I’m just kidding. Drunk bitches probably interrupt his show all of the time) Jeff replied “What about her?” and my sister said “You should date my sister.” He replied with “You should wait to hear the rest of my joke.” Apparently his joke was about him cyber chatting with a 15 year old. (Been there, done that) According to my sister, I became the butt of the joke for the rest of his standup comedy show. However, the joke is on him because I like to make fun of myself more than he ever could.

After the show, My drunk (yet supportive) sister and brother-in-law hunted down poor Jeff Dye. My sister was DETERMINED to give Jeff my phone number in an attempt to make the day she was and Abercrombie and Bitch to me right. I think it’s funny how she never cared about how bad she made me feel that day until I called her out publicly in front of 3,000 daily readers 20 years later. *rolls eyes*

Anyway, my sister and brother-in-law tracked down Jeff after his show and told him it was a great show, but they had ulterior motives. They were on a mission to make sure that Jeff Dye walked out of that building with Ally Stagg’s phone number. Jeff said “Ahhh, I remember you. Let me see a picture of your sister. If it is private that means she’s not single.” My sister frantically pulled up a picture of me off of my Instagram account and Jeff said “She’s smoking’ hot. Where’s she from?” My sister told him that I live in Las Vegas and he said “That’s a red flag.” (Okay… judgey ass Jeff. It’s not my fault my parents transplanted me here 26 years ago. I guess it is kind of my fault that I have stayed here this long though.) My sister wrote my cell phone number down on a Station Casinos free drink ticket and made Jeff take a picture holding it. Then they had the opening comedian for Jeff take a picture of them with Jeff.

(My ridiculously awesome brother-in-law Jaron with Jeff Dye and my gorgeous, yet still bitchy, sister Brittany)

As my sister was being dragged out of Wiseguys by my brother-in-law she yelled “You’d better call her!!!”

Jeff has not called or text me.

But why? Why on earth hasn’t he text or called me? Is it because my drunk sister interrupted his show? Did he think I wasn’t attractive? Did he think I was too attractive? Does he think I’m just a Vegas bimbo because of my big ass blonde bobble head? Does he think I’m an uneducated prostitute/stripper/cocktail server because I live in Las Vegas? Is he the one who really isn’t single? Is he emotionally unavailable? Is he worried that I’m emotionally unavailable? Is he afraid he will fall in love with me (150% possible because I’m charming AF) and he is not in a place in his life where he is ready to settle down? Is he afraid that he will fall in love with me and I am not in a place in my life where I am ready to settle down? Is it really a red flag that I live in Las Vegas? Is he afraid that it’s a red flag that he lives in LA? Is he afraid that I am just as crazy as my sister? (Because I’m not. I’m actually crazier *winks*) Is he worried that I won’t be as funny as him? Is he worried that I will be funnier than him? (Again, 150% possible) Is he worried that I just want to sleep with him? Is he worried that I’m clingy? Is he clingy?

I have so many unanswered questions, but my sister and my friend Jenni both had the same brilliant idea. Why don’t we simply just ask Jeff?

This is where you guys come in. I need your help.

Let’s all flood Jeff’s life via every type of social media that we can think of and ask him:

“Why haven’t you text Ally @SwipedOutLV or @AllyStagg from Las Vegas yet? #wiseguys #dontbescaredofally”

You guys can Tweet (@JeffDye) or Instagram (@JeffDye) or Facebook or Snapchat or Email or any other form of communication that you can possibly to figure out exactly why he hasn’t called me. If this actually works and he by chance does call me and we go on a date, you guys know I will reward you with an amazing blog post about our date.

It’s up to you guys. Let’s go!

xoxox,
Ally

PS If Jeff Dye by chance ever actually reads this post, I’m really, really sorry. lol

PSS If you click the “Follow” button on my home page, it will prompt you for your email address. By submitting it, you will receive an email each time I post a blog entry. Your email address will never be sold to a third party and the only emails you will ever receive from me are updates each time I post a blog entry. 😉

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