This is a question that I receive weekly from my readers. I have been hesitant to answer it because I am nowhere near qualified to answer it, but as always I am going to go ahead and answer it anyway. At this point I feel as if I have read enough books and lurked enough case studies to at least give my personal opinion as to what I think makes two people compatible.
Of course there are obvious things that make two people compatible such as attraction, having similar interests, and getting along. However, I want to talk about a few things that we don’t necessarily think about on a daily basis that are contributors to our compatibility and attraction to another person.
I think that there are two main factors that play a role in compatibility between two people, psychology as well as genetics. I believe these two things both play a role in how two people interact. As humans, we are born one way biologically but then we are raised a certain way which molds our personality. Today I went through my notes that I have taken over the past couple of years from case studies and books I have read. I reread my notes and I’m going to talk about a couple of the things that I wrote down several different times which means that they stood out to me. Looking back, I now realize that these things have all subconsciously become an important part of my life.
Communication (Intimate vs Guarded and Submissive vs Dominant)
Communication seemed to be a reoccurring topic in my notes. To be compatible with someone, you need to have solid line of open communication. You need to know when to listen and when to speak. This is important because communication is EVERYTHING in a relationship. If one person is guarded and unwilling to open up and the other person in an over-communicator, believe me, it will cause problems in your relationship. This was important for me to personally learn because for a very long time I was a horrific communicator. Communicating is still something I am working on correcting on a daily basis. When arguing with someone I would either have “word vomit” where I would spew out things I didn’t mean or things I did not think over, and then end up having to put my tail between my legs and apologize for being an idiot. After several failed attempts at relationships and a little bit of maturing, I have realized that isn’t okay to do. One of my favorite quotes of all time is “You are the master of your words until they are spoken.” It is so simple, but so true. Once you say something, you cannot take it back. It is important to choose your words wisely. Trust me, I’ve learned the hard way.
In the past, if I wasn’t busy spewing word vomit, I was busy doing the complete opposite. I was completely silent. I would freeze up like a deer in headlights because I was trying to compose what I was going to say so that I wouldn’t have word vomit, but I wouldn’t know how to express my thoughts and feelings so I would stay quiet. This didn’t work in my past relationships either and unfortunately, there was no middle ground for me between these two types of communication. Luckily, I have realized that there was a massive need for improvement on my communication skills and I have been able to work on being a better communicator.
It is also important to make a valiant effort in learning how your partner communicates. Learning your partners love language will help you sort through that. One of the biggest mistakes we make in a relationships is that we love people the way that WE want to be loved. However, we all receive love in different ways. I know that might sound confusing, but I promise I will get to the five languages of love post soon and you will all understand what I am talking about.
Social vs Independent
Another thing that I mentioned several times in my notes was our need to be social as well as our need for independence and alone time. I am a very social person by nature. I love to meet and talk to new people. I can find common ground with anyone. (I just want to point out that this makes me an excellent date to an event because I will talk to anyone about anything. *wink*) However, no matter how social I may be, I very much value my alone time as well. When I was younger, I was definitely more needy in relationships than I would be at this point in my life, but I think that I have always had a pretty good grasp on the importance of my partner and I having time away from one another. I have always felt like it is important to have your own interests, hobbies, and friends when you’re in a relationship. Spending time away from someone is healthy and gives you a chance to miss each other. When Poodle and I were together we both worked full time, I had a child to take care of, and Poodle had hobbies that required practice in the evenings as well as him occasionally leaving town for tournaments so our time together was limited. Sometimes it was hard, but it was also nice to miss one another and anxiously await his return. I feel as though we both realized that our time was limited so we both valued the time we did get to spend together because we knew that it wasn’t much. This taught me how to be a better partner to someone. At the time, I didn’t work nearly as much as Poodle did, so I spent my extra time at home doing whatever little things I could think of that would make Poodles life easier. I cooked, I cleaned, and I did the laundry so that when Poodle got home from work, we could actually enjoy the 2-3 hours we had together at night instead of worrying about household chores. My appreciation for social time vs independent time has only grown as I have done some soul searching and matured.
Companion vs Compassion
Another important thing in companionship is compassion. I’ve always been a very stubborn person. (Thanks, Lance) However, the older I get the more I realize that harmony in a relationship is far more important than being right. It is human nature for people to have different opinions and points of view but sometimes, there is no point in trying to convince the other person that you are correct. Don’t get me wrong, you should absolutely stand up for what you believe in if it is important to you, but I have had countless stupid, petty, and just downright pointless fights because I was being stubborn about something that I didn’t need to be stubborn about. Sometimes confrontation is unavoidable, but keeping peace in a relationship when possible is far more important than “being right” will ever be. No one is right all of the time. Sometimes we need to bite our tongue and apologize. When you care about someone, having compassion, being sensitive in the manner that you speak to them, and really taking into consideration their feelings are very important. In a relationship, you should always consider the other persons feelings before your own.
I believe that genetics have a lot to do with how compatible we are with someone. Have you ever dated someone and their scent could drive you insane? Or you had an undeniable attraction to them that you couldn’t explain in words if you tried? Well… I’ve felt that too. That is allllll chemistry, people. Sponsored by your genetics that you were born with an have absolutely no control over.
There are three genetic factors I have read about that I would like to discuss. They help to explain the ridiculous, mind blowing, and sometimes irrational attraction some of us might have felt towards another person.
Oxytocin is the human bonding (or “love”) hormone. This hormone is commonly known for being stimulated during child birth, breastfeeding, and sex, but this hormone is also what makes us “thinkers vs listeners.” Some of us think we are listening, but in reality we aren’t because we are too busy talking. Some of us sit back and don’t speak up enough because we are too busy thinking. I believe that in order to be compatible you need to find a balance of both. Obviously if someone is strictly listening and not voicing their opinion, things are not going to work. However, a relationship is never going to work if someone is constantly talking and never listening to what the other person has to say or even giving the person an opportunity to speak.
This gene is the “Warrior vs Worrier” gene. A person that is the warrior is highly creative but lousy at multitasking. A person that is the worrier has a hard time dealing with anxiety but gets more pleasure out of life. I do not need a genetics test to tell me that I am a warrior. I don’t have a worry in the world no matter how terrible things get so in a relationship I need a partner that will balance me out. I need someone to worry on my behalf and bring me back to reality sometimes. Being aware whether you are a worrier or a warrior will help you and your partner find balance.
THIS!!!! This gene family right here is what you really want to know about, people. Let me explain why. Thousands of case studies have proven that you want your partner to have a very different immune system than yours for a couple different reasons.
When two people mate and create a child together, the child takes different traits from the two parents (eye color, hair color etc.) However, the child does not only take one person’s immune system. When two people mate, the two immune systems combine and they actually create a stronger immune system. The more different your immune system is from your partners, the stronger your child’s immune system will be. Interesting… right?
Wait. It gets better. *smirk*
It is also scientifically proven that if you want to have hot, passionate, mind blowing sex for a long period of time, you should choose a partner with a different immune system than yours. That’s right. A DNA genetics test can actually predict your sexual compatibility as well as the longevity of your passionate sex life with someone. Insane, right?
If you are wondering about you and your partner’s DNA compatibility, you can order a kit that will analyze your biocompatibility, Neurocompatibility, as well as your psychological compatibility. (No. I am not getting paid to plug this, I just believe in it 150% even though I have never taken one myself.) I know you guys think I am crazy, and I am, but if this sparks your interest at all, visit InstantChemistry.com for more information. This company has incredible Doctors that specialize in analyzing your results. If any of you guys take this test and want to share your results with me, (anonymously, of course) I would LOVE it. I don’t have anyone to take a DNA test with, so I would absolutely love to live vicariously through you guys.
Okay. Hold on.
Can you guys imagine me on every single first date that I go on saying “Ummmm sir, I know we just met but I am going to need you to spit in this vile so that I can send it to a lab in Canada to see if we are genetically compatible. I will text you in 4-6 weeks to let you know the results and we can go from there.” lolololol
Also, please note that if you and your partner take this test you can also say things to your partner such as “Nice genes.” or “Damn! You look good in those genes.’
Okay. I know. I’m the worst. I’m done, I swear.
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